Thursday, March 25, 2010

Modern Mating Rituals Part II: The Bar Scene

Part II: The Bar Scene
Need to catch up? Read Part I: Introduction

We begin our magical journey into the world of dating with the traditional bar scene. You know how it goes. Single men and women packed body-to-body into a loud bar, add some pumpin' bass and alcohol to the mix, and you have yourself the perfect recipe for romance. Or at least a hookup.

At the bar scene, it's generally the guy's responsibility to pursue and impress the females. Not really fair, I agree, but that's the way it is. I have no problem approaching a guy I think is cute and telling him, "I'm not sure if you can tell, but I am BLATANTLY hitting on you." Too vague? Eh. But not all girl's may feel bold enough to do that, so guys the ball is in your court. You want to make a good impression. You don't want to look like an idiot. But, how?

It's really not too complicated. But there are definitely things you should, and should not do when approaching a young lady in the bar.

Let's cover the basics in bar pick-up etiquette.


Be respectful: Don't roll all up on the shawty like, "Daaayyyuuum girl, yo ass is foiiiin!" because it's disrepectful. And it's not 1994 anymore. 

Make her laugh: And not in the "I just made an ass out of myself" way. First impressions are everything, and if you get a good laugh out of the girl, you're pretty much golden. Just don't ruin it by being creepy.

Be a gentleman: Show her that you are attentive to her wants/needs.

Example: A guy was chatting up my friend M at the bar and he offered to buy her a drink. She accepted, and asked him for a vodka and sprite. A few minutes later, he returns with her drink.

Guy: Here, I bought you a drink. I didn't know what kind of garnish you wanted, so I got you all of them.

He presents her with a vodka and sprite with a cherry, lemon, lime, orange wedge, onion and even an olive. I'm not sure if he was intentionally trying to be funny, but it made her (and the rest of us) laugh and she spent the rest of the night talking to him.

Just be real, no gimmicks: There's always the old fall back. Introduce yourself and ask if you can buy her a drink. If she accepts, she'll probably stick around to chat a while. If she accepts and leaves, she's a bitch. Forget about her.

Now, what are some sure fire ways to blow your chances?


Be creepy: Do I even need to explain this? Yes? Ok, don't stare at her. Don't be a "close talker." Don't tell her that you are pretty much in love with her. Don't ask her how many kids she wants and when. Don't ask what her summer plans are when it is December and invite her to hang out on your parent's house-boat. And unless you have permission, don't take a picture of the two of you with your camera phone or digital camera. And really don't take a picture of JUST her. No. No. No. Just No.

Touch: Do not touch unless you are given permission. This especially applies to ass grabbing. That is so not cool. Usually if someone grabs my ass I will stomp on their foot and demand an apology. I usually get it, too. If you do get the go-ahead for a hug, do not feel her up and hold on to the her for an inappropriate length of time. Because then you just violated the no creeps rule.

Talk about yourself too much: This actually applies to the ladies, as well. If I wanted to know your life story, I'd read your blog... err, what? Basically, if you're not asking about her, she will assume you are a self-absorbed douche bag. And you probably are.

And most importantly,
DON'T LINGER! If you are getting the vibe that she's not into this action, gracefully make your exit. "Well, it was nice talking to you, I've gotta get back to my friends. Maybe I'll see you around," usually works. But don't stand there all awkward for all of eternity while she gradually ups the ante of her pick-up rejection methods. It won't be pretty, and it hurts us more than it hurts you. No, that's not true, but sometimes it takes a little shock to snap a clueless guy out of it.

So, how do you know she's not into it? How do you know when to move on? Lucky for you I have compiled a list.

Guys, it's time to move on if...
1. The target is avoiding eye contact, turning her body away from you, inching away, giving sideways glances to her friends, mouthing the words "HELP ME" to her friends... you get the picture.
2. The target gives you one word answers and smiles and nods politely to the things you have to say.
3. The target says she has a boyfriend. True or not, she don't want none of the junk in your trunk. So move on.

If you have moved on by now, congratulations, you're not oblivious to the signs. You may pass GO and you may collect $200.

If not, the target may become somewhat irritated and will feel the need to raise the bar and display more obvious signs that your company is not desired. Like what? Again, I've compiled a list.

Guys, it's time to move on when:
1. The target starts tapping her foot or fingers impatiently.
2. The target repeatedly checks her watch.
3. The target is text messaging while you are trying to converse with her.
4. The target rolls her eyes or acts exasperated when having to answer your questions.
5. The target accepts any excuse to leave the conversation - "I cut my foot earlier and my shoe is filling up with blood."

If you don't get it by now, then you kind of deserve what's coming your way next...

Guys, it's time to move on, no, run for the hills if:
1. The target begins calling you names.
2. The target begins making out with someone, anyone, in front of you.
3. The target loudly questions your sexuality/manhood loudly in front of the rest of the bar patrons.
4. The target pushes you down a set of stairs
5. Talks loudly on her cell phone about "some ugly jackass who won't leave me alone."

At this point, the she is not being "cute and scrappy." She just really, really wants you to leave. But, you know, some men are just masochists. They continue to cling to that fabricated thread of hope. At this point you may witness a girl's last ditch effort. Each girl has a different way of going about this, but she'll do anything, no matter how weird/gross/mean/vulgar in an attempt to turn him off and basically crush his spirits. No one wants to get to this point, but sadly, it happens on occasion.

1. Picking your nose and wipe it on the guy's face. Repeatedly.
2. Picking his nose and wipe it on his face. Repeatedly.
3. Using a lot of foul language. Make every second word the f word.
4. Talking about your period and/or tampons.
5. Mentioning that you recently went off the pill. Then crossing both of your fingers and giving a squeal and a wide grin.
6. Showing him your hands if your index finger is shorter than your ring finger.
7. Telling him you think you saw him on an episode of "To Catch A Predator."

Still interested at this point? Well, you are either a very sick person, or you have some fetishes that I do not want to know about.

I have had to use a few last ditch efforts only once and I felt pretty crappy about it, but I'd employed all the more polite methods to no avail.

Have I picked my nose and wiped it on a guy's face? Yes.
Have I picked HIS nose and forced him to eat it. Um. Yes.
Have I told him he looked like someone I saw on an episode of To Catch A Predator and then refused to apologize? Yup.

Did any of that stop him from continuing to pursue me NO...
So, I pulled out all of the stops when he returned from the bathroom and I pretended not to know who he was. "Sorry, it must have been someone else you were talking to. Bye!"

He looked so sad and confused, like a lost puppy. I'm going straight to hell. Karma is definitely going to bite me in the ass for that one.

Why not just say, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested?" Well, for the especially clueless guy, it's pretty much in one ear and out the other.

And Ladies? Sometimes it's ok to approach a guy you think is cute. You're in a bar, and chances are you will never see him again if you get rejected. Hell, he may even be drunk enough that he won't remember. But don't act all slutty. Being sexy is ok, but if you find yourself deep throating...pretty much anything... in public, you're not acting sexy, you're acting slutty.

And guys, don't act like cocky a-holes. And put your collar down. It's not 2004.

That should pretty much cover it. Anything I missed? Questions? Holla atcha girl!!!
Next time: Part III: Online Dating Sites


Anonymous said...

Haha, really nice post and you are right about everything:)

Anonymous said... we now know that you attract booger eaters. Interesting. I agree with you on almost everything. Althought if things are going well I don't see anything wrong with a subtle, clean touch to break the physical barrier. Also, if things are going well you should still excuse yourself. Don't want to be too needy. :)

Simply "T" said...

True. You don't necessarily need verbal permission, just be good with your "good touch bad touch" radar. If you get the sense that you are too much in her personal bubble of space - ie: she's leaning back, taking steps to create more space... probably best to look but don't touch.

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