Thursday, August 26, 2010

An Open Letter To Hipsters

Dear Hipsters,

I get that you are all about being different and all, but do you realize that with your Buddy Holly glasses, plaid shirt, and ironic mustache, you are exactly the same as.... that hipster over there?

Look, I understand that you enjoy riding around town on your fixed gear bicycle, but not for the sake of exercise, heavens no. Exercise is for mainstreamers. You ride your 1978 Schwinn or your sweet recumbent bike at a leisurely pace because... well, you're different. Who needs to change gears? “Not me,” you say, proudly pedaling along, oblivious to cars and other bikers.

The thing is? You're not different. You're an identical copy of every hipster to roam this earth. With your Dwight Schrute throw-back, mustard yellow, short-sleeved button up you throw caution to the wind, spit in the face of societal norms and wear something ugly. Whoa! Back up! 

But hey... so is that guy. And that one. And... is that a Cosby sweater I see? Another unkempt grown out beard? And someone else who hasn't showered in days? No no, those can't possibly be skinny jeans paired with a pair of impossibly bright neon sneakers, a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches and a beanie. No one would dare wear something that ugly, would they? I mean besides you and your 10 ungroomed hipster buddies? And their 10 buddies? And their 10 buddies?

Hipster culture is now so widespread that it's become the very thing it craves to defy. So, in an effort to help you hipsters continue to battle mainstream society I've come up with a list of things that no one does or has done in many years. So go ahead, take a chance. Dare to be different.

The Modern Hipster's Guide to Being Different
    - Forget the fixed gear bicycle. Everyone's doing that these days. Try an alternate mode of transportation: Horse and Buggy. Alternately: if you are skinny enough a hipster, buy a large dog. A St. Bernard or Great Dane will work. Follow this purchase with one for a pony saddle and ride your dog around town. Short on cash? Ditch the "bi" from bicycle and ride a unicycle.
    - Smoking cigarettes is so common place. Live on the edge and smoke bottle rockets. Bonus points for the hipster with the shortest fuse beore finally putting it out.
    - Knit caps made of wool or synthetic materials? Talk about stale. Yawn. Knit caps made of your own hair are the future. Take it to the next level and try your hand at weaving one from stray pubic hairs found on public urinals. Wow. Now that is a look that no one else is rockin'.
    - Three words: Coke bottle glasses. No. Literally, make your lenses from coke bottles.
    - Ironic mustaches are out. Powdered wigs are in.
    - Skinny jeans: no. Fat jeans: yes. Buy a few pairs of triple XL jeans and share them with all of your hipster buddies. No one can say you're a conformist!
    - Finally, the depressed hipster should not feel pressured into conventional suicide methods. Try something that I can guarantee no one has done in thousands of years: be eaten by a T-Rex. Simple as that. Done in 4 simple steps:
      1. Locate a T-Rex.
      2. Stuff as many pieces of raw meat as you are able down your fat jeans and sprinkle yourself with BBQ sauce. If there's anything a T-Rex hates, it's under seasoned hipsters.
      3. Mercilessly taunt the T-Rex. Usually a dig about his short arms or asking how far he can throw a baseball will work.
      4. Wait to be consumed.

There you have it. Hipsters take note. I expect to see pubic hair beanies and besaddled St. Bernards making their debut this fall.


steff said...

i definitely gagged a little at the mention of pubic hair beanies. but i wouldn't put it past them. fucking hipsters...

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