Thursday, June 10, 2010


Okay kiddos, right now, in my possession, I have the best thing about to happen to All Ears On Me.

Over the weekend, while Hello Blogette was here visiting, I located some boxes of old pictures and papers. Among these, not only did I locate several ridiculous photos of young T with botched haircuts and missing teeth, but I also managed to locate a small notebook of miscellaneous thoughts, story ideas, poems, song lyrics and yes, accompanying music video ideas. This shit be hilarious, yo.

Even better... I located the actual 3.5" floppy disk containing all of my fictional short stories along with several saved instant message conversations and emails.

Yes. I said 3.5" floppy disk. This stuff is THAT archaic.

But wait! It gets better!

Do you feel like you are listening to an infomercial yet? Good. But just so you know, you won't be receiving any additional sham-wows by reading on.

So, even better STILL, almost ALL of my short stories revolved in one way or another around the brother's Hanson. Of the Mmmbop legacy.

And just because I love you so much, readers, I exhumed my decade old laptop with an A: drive from the depths of our storage closet as well as my old school external CD burner to transfer all of this pure comedy gold to a format compatible with my current lappy so that I may share it all with you. I share because I care.

Now, I don't want to blow my load (twhs) just yet, so I'll just give you a little taste (twss).

This is an excerpt of what I will now be calling "The T Files." Untamed, uncut, and raw (twhs)

File: "streamofconciousness.txt"
Written: 10/22/99 (Age 16)
Description: Email from yours truly to my highschool friend MB


Date: 10/22/99 10:15:56 PM Central Daylight Time
From: S*********
To: L****************

hi. whats up? what you wanna do tomorrow bum? i just got back from the movies avec MP et susan parce-que lauren could not go. we were gonna see superstar but we knew lauren really wanted to see it so we saw three to tango instead. it was really funny so what you wanna do tomorrow bum? i asked that already hehehe. what topic did you choose for your essay? i did the one about the narrative method. i babbled. it was 3 and a half pages long, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag. haha tom green is cool you know what this email is a lot like that stream of conciousness thing mrs scott talked about how everything is just random etc. hehehe, im not random, im t. hahaha. so whats up in the hood g? not much here. im drinking 7 up. it is crisp, clear and refreshing. at least thats what it says on the can. did you know this can is green. and i am not on crack by the way. i got stalked by a few more police cars on the way home today. i was scared. i need to join the witness protection program because those police peoples are scary and they want to arrest me. i dont want to be anyones prison bitch so therefore id better not get arrested. beaker, aka george has not been online yet. hey you know what would be cool, if "george" actually talked like beaker. hahaha, i would laugh. how is bath time grover? is he bathing? no he cant be because you went to go take a shower.... so no. im bored m, get back online. i am sick of writing random things but there is nothing better for me to do. come on, you know you want to get back online. i think i see jasons screen name on the buddy list. ok no, i lied but still. mama mia here i go again, my my how could i resist you, mama mia does it show again my my just how much i missed you... blah blah youre back! yay!!! ok bye!!


This email clearly outlines the many reasons why I probably didn't have too many friends growing up. It's also glaringly obvious that I'm running rampant with ADD-ness, but yet it took me until the age of 26 to reach an official diagnosis. Shit, I should have forwarded this email to my psychiatrist and I would have been on Adderall YEARS ago. Let's break it down bit by bit, mkay?

Why I Had No Friends Growing Up:

1. I thought it was cool to speak in Franglish. But I was terrible at French, so the only words I replaced were conjunctions and prepositions. Conjunction junction, my ass.

2. I called the few people who did associate with me "bums." That's no way to treat your friends. Am I right or am I right, a-holes?

3. I thought the movie "Three to Tango" was really funny. Ok, truth time? I still do. "My kidneys! My kidneys! My friggen' kidneys! My kidneys!" So, sue me.

4. In the middle of sentences I have random nonsense outbursts like "Plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag!" I eventually googled this and found out that it was from this video by Tom Green.

It's terrifying how accurately that represents how I feel without my Adderall. And sometimes with my Adderall.

5. I turned my nose up at capital letters and "unnecessary" punctuation such as apostrophes. i say eff punctuation whos gonna use em in five years anyway

6. I was paranoid about being stalked by patrol cars, but claimed NOT to be on crack. Now I'm only paranoid about people stealing my identity by reading my junk mail. My shredder is my best friend (probably another reason why I have no friends... I befriend inanimate objects).

7. I referred to real life people by muppet names such as "Beaker" and "Grover." Well Big Bird and Elmo were already taken...

8. I was known to burst into song in most emails or instant message conversations. I never do that anymore. Never...

9. I had nothing better to do while my friends were offline. I should have started a blog.

10. I was a douchebag. I'm now an upstanding member of society and not at all a douchebag.

Now that I look at it, my blog isn't a whole lot better than some of these ramblings I've located. The only difference is slightly improved grammar and punctuation. And fewer instances of bursting into song.

And with that I say to you

I was singin'....

Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie
Drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry
And good 'ol boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin' this will be the day that I die
This will the day that I die...

(I know all the words by heart, but I'll spare you...)


Anonymous said...

If I mentioned every single part of this post that hit home, this comment would be a post in and of itself. So I'll say 1) I'm impressed that you figured out how to get all those files off the floppy; 2) a lot of the handwritten notes I used to pass in school sounded like that stream of consciousness; and 3) I still sometimes speak Franglish.

LiLu said...

I know EVERY word to that 8 1/2 minute song.

<3 <3 <3

steff said...

i so loved this. you MUST share more old writings! look how therapeutic that was!!!
there are still moments where i cringe over things i did/said in my younger years. how i wish i had a time machine...

Anonymous said...

I would not have read that entire email if it were actually an email, but for some reason I read it in blog form. I think I would have put up with that as a teenager to be friends with you, but as an adult I'm not sure I would put in the effort. :)

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