Thursday, August 26, 2010

An Open Letter To Hipsters

Dear Hipsters,

I get that you are all about being different and all, but do you realize that with your Buddy Holly glasses, plaid shirt, and ironic mustache, you are exactly the same as.... that hipster over there?

Look, I understand that you enjoy riding around town on your fixed gear bicycle, but not for the sake of exercise, heavens no. Exercise is for mainstreamers. You ride your 1978 Schwinn or your sweet recumbent bike at a leisurely pace because... well, you're different. Who needs to change gears? “Not me,” you say, proudly pedaling along, oblivious to cars and other bikers.

The thing is? You're not different. You're an identical copy of every hipster to roam this earth. With your Dwight Schrute throw-back, mustard yellow, short-sleeved button up you throw caution to the wind, spit in the face of societal norms and wear something ugly. Whoa! Back up! 

But hey... so is that guy. And that one. And... is that a Cosby sweater I see? Another unkempt grown out beard? And someone else who hasn't showered in days? No no, those can't possibly be skinny jeans paired with a pair of impossibly bright neon sneakers, a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches and a beanie. No one would dare wear something that ugly, would they? I mean besides you and your 10 ungroomed hipster buddies? And their 10 buddies? And their 10 buddies?

Hipster culture is now so widespread that it's become the very thing it craves to defy. So, in an effort to help you hipsters continue to battle mainstream society I've come up with a list of things that no one does or has done in many years. So go ahead, take a chance. Dare to be different.

The Modern Hipster's Guide to Being Different
    - Forget the fixed gear bicycle. Everyone's doing that these days. Try an alternate mode of transportation: Horse and Buggy. Alternately: if you are skinny enough a hipster, buy a large dog. A St. Bernard or Great Dane will work. Follow this purchase with one for a pony saddle and ride your dog around town. Short on cash? Ditch the "bi" from bicycle and ride a unicycle.
    - Smoking cigarettes is so common place. Live on the edge and smoke bottle rockets. Bonus points for the hipster with the shortest fuse beore finally putting it out.
    - Knit caps made of wool or synthetic materials? Talk about stale. Yawn. Knit caps made of your own hair are the future. Take it to the next level and try your hand at weaving one from stray pubic hairs found on public urinals. Wow. Now that is a look that no one else is rockin'.
    - Three words: Coke bottle glasses. No. Literally, make your lenses from coke bottles.
    - Ironic mustaches are out. Powdered wigs are in.
    - Skinny jeans: no. Fat jeans: yes. Buy a few pairs of triple XL jeans and share them with all of your hipster buddies. No one can say you're a conformist!
    - Finally, the depressed hipster should not feel pressured into conventional suicide methods. Try something that I can guarantee no one has done in thousands of years: be eaten by a T-Rex. Simple as that. Done in 4 simple steps:
      1. Locate a T-Rex.
      2. Stuff as many pieces of raw meat as you are able down your fat jeans and sprinkle yourself with BBQ sauce. If there's anything a T-Rex hates, it's under seasoned hipsters.
      3. Mercilessly taunt the T-Rex. Usually a dig about his short arms or asking how far he can throw a baseball will work.
      4. Wait to be consumed.

There you have it. Hipsters take note. I expect to see pubic hair beanies and besaddled St. Bernards making their debut this fall.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

JACKPOT!

Okay kiddos, right now, in my possession, I have the best thing about to happen to All Ears On Me.

Over the weekend, while Hello Blogette was here visiting, I located some boxes of old pictures and papers. Among these, not only did I locate several ridiculous photos of young T with botched haircuts and missing teeth, but I also managed to locate a small notebook of miscellaneous thoughts, story ideas, poems, song lyrics and yes, accompanying music video ideas. This shit be hilarious, yo.

Even better... I located the actual 3.5" floppy disk containing all of my fictional short stories along with several saved instant message conversations and emails.

Yes. I said 3.5" floppy disk. This stuff is THAT archaic.

But wait! It gets better!

Do you feel like you are listening to an infomercial yet? Good. But just so you know, you won't be receiving any additional sham-wows by reading on.

So, even better STILL, almost ALL of my short stories revolved in one way or another around the brother's Hanson. Of the Mmmbop legacy.

And just because I love you so much, readers, I exhumed my decade old laptop with an A: drive from the depths of our storage closet as well as my old school external CD burner to transfer all of this pure comedy gold to a format compatible with my current lappy so that I may share it all with you. I share because I care.

Now, I don't want to blow my load (twhs) just yet, so I'll just give you a little taste (twss).

This is an excerpt of what I will now be calling "The T Files." Untamed, uncut, and raw (twhs)

File: "streamofconciousness.txt"
Written: 10/22/99 (Age 16)
Description: Email from yours truly to my highschool friend MB

Text:


Date: 10/22/99 10:15:56 PM Central Daylight Time
From: S*********@aol.com
To: L****************@aol.com

hi. whats up? what you wanna do tomorrow bum? i just got back from the movies avec MP et susan parce-que lauren could not go. we were gonna see superstar but we knew lauren really wanted to see it so we saw three to tango instead. it was really funny so what you wanna do tomorrow bum? i asked that already hehehe. what topic did you choose for your essay? i did the one about the narrative method. i babbled. it was 3 and a half pages long, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag. haha tom green is cool you know what this email is a lot like that stream of conciousness thing mrs scott talked about how everything is just random etc. hehehe, im not random, im t. hahaha. so whats up in the hood g? not much here. im drinking 7 up. it is crisp, clear and refreshing. at least thats what it says on the can. did you know this can is green. and i am not on crack by the way. i got stalked by a few more police cars on the way home today. i was scared. i need to join the witness protection program because those police peoples are scary and they want to arrest me. i dont want to be anyones prison bitch so therefore id better not get arrested. beaker, aka george has not been online yet. hey you know what would be cool, if "george" actually talked like beaker. hahaha, i would laugh. how is bath time grover? is he bathing? no he cant be because you went to go take a shower.... so no. im bored m, get back online. i am sick of writing random things but there is nothing better for me to do. come on, you know you want to get back online. i think i see jasons screen name on the buddy list. ok no, i lied but still. mama mia here i go again, my my how could i resist you, mama mia does it show again my my just how much i missed you... blah blah youre back! yay!!! ok bye!!
T

Analysis:


This email clearly outlines the many reasons why I probably didn't have too many friends growing up. It's also glaringly obvious that I'm running rampant with ADD-ness, but yet it took me until the age of 26 to reach an official diagnosis. Shit, I should have forwarded this email to my psychiatrist and I would have been on Adderall YEARS ago. Let's break it down bit by bit, mkay?

Why I Had No Friends Growing Up:


1. I thought it was cool to speak in Franglish. But I was terrible at French, so the only words I replaced were conjunctions and prepositions. Conjunction junction, my ass.

2. I called the few people who did associate with me "bums." That's no way to treat your friends. Am I right or am I right, a-holes?

3. I thought the movie "Three to Tango" was really funny. Ok, truth time? I still do. "My kidneys! My kidneys! My friggen' kidneys! My kidneys!" So, sue me.

4. In the middle of sentences I have random nonsense outbursts like "Plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag!" I eventually googled this and found out that it was from this video by Tom Green.



It's terrifying how accurately that represents how I feel without my Adderall. And sometimes with my Adderall.

5. I turned my nose up at capital letters and "unnecessary" punctuation such as apostrophes. i say eff punctuation whos gonna use em in five years anyway

6. I was paranoid about being stalked by patrol cars, but claimed NOT to be on crack. Now I'm only paranoid about people stealing my identity by reading my junk mail. My shredder is my best friend (probably another reason why I have no friends... I befriend inanimate objects).

7. I referred to real life people by muppet names such as "Beaker" and "Grover." Well Big Bird and Elmo were already taken...

8. I was known to burst into song in most emails or instant message conversations. I never do that anymore. Never...

9. I had nothing better to do while my friends were offline. I should have started a blog.

10. I was a douchebag. I'm now an upstanding member of society and not at all a douchebag.

Now that I look at it, my blog isn't a whole lot better than some of these ramblings I've located. The only difference is slightly improved grammar and punctuation. And fewer instances of bursting into song.

And with that I say to you

I was singin'....

Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie
Drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry
And good 'ol boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin' this will be the day that I die
This will the day that I die...

(I know all the words by heart, but I'll spare you...)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Guest Blogger: Gizmo


On Friday, R and I took in a foster dog! His name is Gizmo and man is he cute. Cute as he may be, he definitely makes us appreciate Aries' calm, sedate, quiet nature. Gizmo is a bundle of energy and is always looking for mischief.

We are fostering through a dog rescue, so if anyone out there is in the Chicago area and is looking for a dog, Gizmo is currently up for adoption! If you are interested email me at allearsonme at gmail dot com. I would have just provided the information for the rescue we are fostering for, but I didn't want to tarnish their reputation by having my blog about bodily functions showing up in their google search. So, if you are truly interested and want to fill out an application to adopt him, I will give you all the info via email!

Anyway, I was telling Gizmo all about my blog and he made a request to be a guest blogger. How could I resist? Just look at that face! So without further ado I present to you Gizmo's Diary: Day 1.

Gizmos Diary: Day 1

Hey everyone!

Gizmo, here. Just wanted to update everyone on how things are going at my new foster home!

So, I got here yesterday morning to meet my new foster mom and my new foster brother (my foster papa was still at work, so I met him later).

My foster brother, Aries, is a really cool dog, but he is a lot older than I am so he doesn't like to play as much. We DO like to take naps together, though!

After introductions, mom set up my crate and bed and showed me the rest of the house! So many new things to explore! There's lots of new interesting things to sniff and chew on, but mom keeps saying this word I've never heard before: "no." It's okay though, when I'm chewing on "No" she usually takes it away and gives me one of my toys instead!

Aries, mom and me went out onto the deck for some fun in the sun! Aries and I got tired and fell asleep for a little while and then we came in to cool off. Whew it was hot out there!

Mom's friend N came over and she brought me a toy! A squeaky fish! Being the scientific fellow that I am, I needed to know what makes that fish squeak. So I dissected him! With my teeth! He exploded and his fluffy insides flew everywhere! It was AWESOME!!!

I saw someone named "Joey Gladstone" on the big box in the living room. I found his Mr. Woodchuck impersonation to be very offensive, so I barked at him! A lot! That got me a time out. I think mom must have a crush on this "Joey Gladstone." Why else would she defend him!?

Later, mom, Aries, N and I went for a walk! I sniffed a lot of things and peed on them! It was awesome. I found a piece of pizza on the sidewalk! I tried to eat it, but I was only able to snag a piece of pepperoni before mom lead me away...

Then, you'll never guess what happened!

Only the best thing ever! My foster papa came home and I got to meet him! I showed him how much I already love him by jumping up and down in the air and wagging my tail! Then we all went on a walk! AGAIN!

Man, this is totally the life! I get my very own bed in mom and papa's bedroom and a brand new best friend to play with. Sure, I had lot's of friends at the doggie day care, but I have people now and I get a lot more attention. Mom says she wants to teach me "manners," but I don't know what that means yet.

Anyway, more updates later! See ya!

- Gizmo

PS - Papa's toes and mama's kneecaps don't taste that great, so don't try licking them, I already tried.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Blogdentity Crisis.

I'm having a blogdentity crisis.

I've been writing this blog for about 6 months now and I need to be perfectly honest with you.

Despite the fact that I appear to know what the hell I'm talking about... I don't. I don't know what to do with my blog, in which direction to take it, or even what I ultimately want it to be. And right now it's a shapeless blob of blog-vomit all across the board.

Gross analogy, but you get it.

I guess I'm just asking you all to bear with me as I "find myself" and develop a clearer focus.

I feel like this is a completely self-serving post, so I'll throw some more random blog-vomit at you.

Sick. I have to stop using that analogy. Suggestions for a better analogy are welcome!

So, I'm watching a documentary about the human face and the role of facial expressions in modern society. They interview the family of a little girl with Moebius Syndrome. Too lazy to follow my link? Fine. Basically it's congenital paralysis of the muscles of facial expression. Without the ability to make facial expressions, how does one communicate effectively?

Later in the documentary, the family prepares for a surgery to give their little girl a smile before her first day at school. Through a facial surgery involving muscle transfers from the thigh to the corners of her mouth, she gets her smile a just a few days before school begins. It's pretty darn heartwarming.

In another segment, they discuss human lie detectors and how they use facial cues to determine if someone is lying. One such cue is the furrowing and raising of the eyebrows, a sign of "distress."

So... what if someone has Botox to their forehead? How will you ever be able to tell if they are lying? I mean, no one knows what Heidi Montag is thinking or feeling anymore after all the work she's had done. And I really could care less if Heidi Montag wants to tell a lie, but what if terrorists catch onto this and get massive Botox jobs done so that if they are captured they can lie to interrogators with greater efficacy?

I guess you'd just have to keep them prisoner, wait 3-4 months, then ask them again.

Furthermore, do you think this is why Abraham Lincoln could not tell a lie? Was his face just too wrinkly? I mean expressive? Poor Abey baby, I feel your pain. Like you, I cannot tell a lie.

I mean don't get me wrong. I can say the words. They are just not very convincing. My true feelings read like a book all over my face.

So,  go ahead and ask. Do those jeans make your ass look fat? Yes. Yes, they do.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My Life Without A Job: Day 1

Last night, after I published my last post I stayed up for about another hour or so for absolutely no reason. I finally made it to bed at about 3:30 after debating just staying on the couch out of sheer laziness.

I woke up today at the crack of noon. I then proceeded to stay in bed for the next hour and a half catching up on my blog reading via my RSS reader on my iPhone. The rest of my day went a little like this:

Easily Distracted? This is not the place -- Ooo Something Shiny!



Three day weekends are not as exciting when you don't have a job to go to the next week.

Friday was my last day at my old job. Truthfully, I haven't quite had the chance to do a happy dance since we were frantically trying to get out of town to beat the Memorial Day weekend traffic.

The weekend was nice and low-key, saw the "in-laws," spent time at BBQs with some friends we haven't seen in a while, and we had a truly unique dining experience.

Sunday afternoon we had a few appearances to make at a different BBQ's, but I wanted to get something to eat first since I didn't anticipate finding too much vegan food at one of these cookouts in Madison, WI aka "America's Dairyland." I would have brought along my own veggie burgers or veggie dogs, but I didn't feel like buying an entire pack to eat just one and then abandon them at R's parents' house as we drive back to Chi town.

So, R took me to a place in town called Ella's Deli. I've passed by this place with R while cavorting about town over the past few years, but I've never been compelled to visit.

From the street, it looks like a big-top circus. Kind of creepy, if you ask me. Clowns are scary as shit. Don't believe me? Haven't you ever seen "IT?" "Killer Klowns from Outer Space?" There's a reason that clowns make good horror movie fodder: because like twins and octogenarians - they should seem completely innocuous, but they are actually terrifying. Because they will cut a bitch. Or turn into demon spawn and creepily appear in hotel hallways or bathtubs.

Yes, I'm aware that all my pre-conceived notions about horror movies come from The Shining, but damn if that isn't a scary book/movie.

What was I saying? Oh, right. Ella's Deli. Anyway, despite the fact that clowns creep me out, I was dying for a salad and they had 3 full pages of salads on their online menu. Awesome, where do I sign up?

We got to Ella's Deli, and what I found inside was not at all creepy. It was actually pretty damn cool, with all kinds of cool moving gizmos and gadgets a-plenty - all creating an environment entirely detrimental to someone like me with ADD, who incidentally forgot to take her medication that weekend. It happens. Especially when I'm away from home and off my normal routine...

I'm not too worried about being off the medication for a bit since I'm not working this week, but to give you a rough example of my level of distractibility: what I've written thus far in this post has taken me about 8 hours. It takes more than a few days off Adderall for my ADD to get pretty bad, but after about 2 days I have difficulty (well, more difficulty) focusing in a conversation. I make (considerably more) random noises, speak in accents, and add sound effects to most bodily actions. And I won't just do it once. I'll space out while doing it and get stuck in a loop like a broken record because I'm thinking about what the white stuff in the middle of York Peppermint Patty is made of and before I know it I've done the "wha-pshhh" whipping noise 5 times in a row to R's mom after I promised I'd keep him in line when we get home.

In fact, while you are talking I'm more likely to be thinking how cool the fraggles were than about the words coming out of your mouth. Which is why at times like these, I simply can't handle the numerous overstimulating obstacles presented by Ella's Deli.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Happy Memorial Day!

Hola.

R and I are on our way to Madison, WI to visit his parents for
the long weekend. I'd really like to make a post while I am there, but R's parents still use dial-up(I know, right?!) so I can't guarantee it, but at the very least I'll be writing even if it's in a word document to copy and paste later.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Do You Like Falling Down? I do: The Helmet Chronicles Part II

In my efforts lately to exercise more and be more green, I've been using my bike for commuting and for errands whenever possible. My bike has been in storage for a few years, and truthfully the last time I used it was for the triathlon I did in 2004. I had used the bike as-is when I bought it, including the horrid cage pedals that the manufacturer put on it. Since I have been riding a lot more, I quickly got fed up with the cage pedals and opted to buy a set of clipless pedals and riding shoes. Today was the first day I got to try out the new pedals and man was I excited!

I woke up this morning raring to go. And the start of my day went a little like this:

Me: Oh my! I am excited to try my new clipless pedals! Life is grand!

Pedals: *evil laugh*

Me: *Oblivious* La, la la! Here I gooooo! *Promptly crashes into a building*

Building: Ouch.

Me: Whoops! Let me try that again! Wheeeee here I go again (on my own)!! *Forgets how to unclip, panics, tips over*

Concrete: Hello, helmet. Nice to meet you.

Helmet: Likewise. I have a feeling we'll be seeing each other again.

Pedals: *evil laugh*

End scene.

So yeah, the clipless pedals. They have won the battle, but I'll win the war. I've already gotten scores of advice from people I've told about this regarding keeping one foot unclipped until I get used to them. Well the sad part is, I only had one foot clipped in... my brain just forgot that I had another foot to use for stabilization and down I went. The other sad part is that the building I crashed into is our next door neighbor (roughly 3 feet from where I started) and the second place I crashed was on the corner (another 4 or 5 feet down).

But let it be known, that this is not the end. It is NOT. The. End.

In retrospect, I secretly hope I looked like this:



Because that would make me giggle. And Wayne's World is the best movie ever made.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Oh, hey there pals!

Someone once wrote in their blog that they hate it when someone disappears from their blog for a while then apologizes for it... so I'm not gonna apologize.

I'm gonna disappear and you're gonna like it!

Or you'll just stop reading my blog.

Ok, you called my bluff. Please don't do that. You'll break my achy breaky heart.

So I've been absent a bit. Moving on to more important things - some random shit that I decided to blog-vomit into one post.

The past month has been a little nutso. In short, all of my available brain RAM has been taken up by the planning and co-hosting my BFF's bachelorette party and wedding shower as well as looking for a new job.

Remember back when I contemplated my next career move, whether to stay with my current job but at a different office or to seek out something completely new?

Well, after I wrote that post, I'd pretty much decided that I was going to stay at my current job in the new office and got comfortable with extending my contract (which ends tomorrow, btw) at the other office. I decided I was going to stay in my boring (but well paid) little rut and I got relaxed. A little too relaxed.

A few weeks later I spoke with the company that contracts my services and learned that slacker me waited too long to get on the ball and the position at the new office was no longer available.

DOH! *Face Palm*

They did, however offer me a position at their office in Rock Island, IL... on the Illinois-Iowa border. 200 miles from my home. In the middle of nowhere. Um... no, thank you for the offer, but I'm going to have to politely decline. The decision was pretty much made for me... I told them that I appreciated them providing me with contract work for the past 1.5 years, but right now I am not looking to relocate to the Iowa border.

So, about 3 weeks ago I embarked on the world's laziest job search. I say laziest because I have no desire to do any job searching myself, I just want someone else to do all the work for me. Which is why I've been consorting with a healthcare staffing agency. They pretty much just find me a job and bring it to me, like breakfast in bed - but for jobs. It's just a matter of finding the right assignment from the job menu.

I have no fear of becoming unemployed - the jobs are there. I'm being solicited like 1000000 times a day by healthcare agencies all over with basically the same job I'm doing now, but that's the thing - I want to do something different. I want to work with a different population. In theory I could take a position similar/identical to my current position if I got desperate enough, but right now I'm holding out for something I actually like.

So as of today, I have no job lined up for next week. It's actually strange how non-stressed I've been about this process considering the fact that when my life is at loose ends I usually turn into a giant spasmodic ball of stress. I'm actually more stressed out about the fact that I'm not stressed out. Is that weird?

I hope to start a new assignment the week after next, but while the search for jobs in my current field continues, I've also been considering what other awesome careers would suit me. Because I'm awesome and therefore deserve an awesome career.

Here are some of my ideas in no specific order:

1. Dog photographer - Well duh, I love dogs. I love photography. Put 'em together? Bam. Ultimate job.

2. Dog masseuse - I pet my dog all day long, now I can get paid for it! Yippee!

3. Rickshaw driver - Benefits include getting some really toned legs towing people around the city in a pedaled rickshaw.

4. Bike messenger - I dunno, these guys just seem to piss people off and that seems like fun.

5. Bartender - I tended bar in college. If anything I've become LESS mature since I've graduated, so why not?

6. Professional blogger - Think anyone wants to pay me to take a month long mental hiatus from blogging at random?

7. Snakes - Um. Not sure what. Just something with snakes.

8. Vegan baker - I baked my brother an awesome vegan cake with strawberry filling for his 32nd birthday last week, but when I bake I tend to make a big mess and swear a lot, so I might have to post one of those parental advisory stickers in my storefront window.

9. FBI agent - I've been watching a lot of X-files reruns, can you blame me for wanting to chase down UFOs on the government's dime?

10. Sharpie Artist - I can't guarantee my art will be any good. But at least I'll be high enough from the fumes that I won't be able to care.

So. Those are my shitty ideas. Suggestions welcome. In the mean time I'll continue seeking out a regular person full time job and I'll probably gripe about it the whole damn way, but not here. Like I've said, this is my happy place, so my rants will be kept to a minimum.

Finally, I will get back to gracing (read: forcing on) you with the musings of my rusty brain, which is still recovering from being my life's personal chew toy. What does that mean for you, reader? Just bear with me while I brush the dust off and oil the gears to get back into making semi-intelligent and/or witty posts. I anticipate some awkward/shitty writing at first, but with massive editing and some time I'll get back into the swing of things.

I also want to get back to the original purpose of my blog and resume the Dear Diary saga. If you are relatively new to reading my blog,  I originally started it because I found my old childhood diaries in my parents' basement and thought the musings of 9-14 year old T were hilarious and needed to be shared with the interwebs. If you want to read the past entries, you can locate them by using the "Dear Diary" search term in the search box on the right. One of these days I'll compile an archive, but for now? You do the work, I be lazy.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Mary J. Blige Had It Right... Internet Privacy and Such As

When she sang, "No more drama in my life."

This whole FB defriending thing has completely exploded into a huge deal... over a stupid misunderstanding. I'm not going to go into detail about it, because life I've said I don't like to use my blog as my drama outlet. Plus, I've talked about it enough to my mom, friends, and R that I think I'm all talked out (never thought that would happen).

So anyway, on to happier things like rainbows and unicorns and candy mountains...



Hahaha, it's an old video, but it never fails to amuse me. I have to thank Miss N for introducing this to me so many months ago when she and I were nothing but young she-wolf pups.

So back in the vein of social networking and Facebook, I read this in a friend's status update today:

"FACEBOOKERS fb is at it again...violating your personal information: As of today, there is a new privacy setting called "Instant Personalization" that shares data with non-facebook websites and it is automatically set to "Allow." Go to Account > Privacy Settings > Applications and Websites and uncheck "Allow". Please copy & repost as I did, to spread the word"

I thought this might be one of those lame FB "urban legends" that spreads like wildfire but has no basis to back it up, so I checked it out. I stumbled upon this story Facebook's Instant Personalization Is the Real Privacy Hairball.

Well, so it's legit. I read up about it and from what I read - adding your preferences to sites like Pandora and Yelp doesn't seem like a HUGE invasion of privacy. That being said, I can see how it could snowball and turn into a new way for cyber predators to stalk their prey. What on earth is going on in this world?

Have you heard of the website Spokeo.com? It's a cyber stalker's dream. While it doesn't bring up any information that isn't already available to the public via the net (no, not that Sandra Bullock movie), it conveniently compiles all of the accounts associated with your email address or name/ home address into one database.

You can search for people by name and it will come up with all the results for people with that name and divide them by state. From there you can narrow it down, find the person's address, and often, the person's email address.

If you search for someone by email address (which you can conveniently find by searching for someone's name), it will produce a list of all of the accounts associated with the email address. It will show any public pictures from those accounts, or even cached photos from private profile before the profile was set to private.

How do I know? I searched for myself. I found my Myspace profile, which I set to private over a year ago, yet somehow the picture slideshows from my profile and most of my profile album pictures are available via spokeo's ability to scour the internet for cached files.

This seems highly problematic to me. As many of you may know, employers are now using Google, Facebook, Myspace and other search engines to check up on the goings on of potential employees.

Did you do a beer bong once back in college and someone photographed it? Well it could cost you that job, even if your  profile is private, apparently.

Even better, some (a lot) of the information is erroneous. When I searched for myself by name, the email address associated with it was my mother's. It said I was in my 60's. It provided my parent's address and even an estimate of the value of the home, estimated credit level, and estimated level of wealth.

None of it was correct. All because my mother helped me apply for student loans using her email address when I was 18.

You can "opt-out" and remove listings associated with your name, but it's considerably more difficult to remove entries for a specific email address. So someone searching you by name may not be able to find you in that way, but if they already know your email address they will have no problem.

After discovering this, I took the opportunity to start removing my own listing as well as R's, my parents, my siblings... until I found out that you can only remove up to 5 listings under the same email address. What kind of BS is that?

My only solution to this is to set very strict privacy settings for all of my profiles, allowing only close family and friends to view my pictures. I also untag any photos of me doing anything unbecoming of a lady... or an employee.

So, fellow bloggers and devoted readers, what are your thoughts about your Facebook privacy and internet privacy as a whole? Have things gone too far on their end, or are we just too lax about sharing personal information?

Clearly, this isn't the end. Where do you see the invasion of internet privacy going next?

I'd love to know your take on this. Comment away, por favor please.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Social Networking Ettiquette

Graphic courtesy of trifu.net


I will ultimately get to my Social Networking installment of the Modern Day Mating Ritual posts, but in light of today's events (all before noon, wheeee), I wanted to examine the role Social Networking plays a part into our daily lives. More specifically, the importance placed on relationship status and the friending or unfriending an individual on Facebook.

Why does being accepted as a Facebook friend carry such weight? It almost seems as if the "friending" via social networking is a step above and beyond just knowing a person in real life or having acquainted with them in real-life social situations. It's telling the rest of the internet world "I approve of this person. This person is worth knowing."

In fact, I know several people who jokingly say that a relationship is not "official" until it's made it's debut on "the book."

It's funny because it's true. Every relationship starts out about the same... boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl gets all weird and paranoid in her brain trying to define the relationship.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Modern Day Dating Rituals Part III: Online Dating

I've been avoiding writing this post, because I had ideas in my head, but wasn't quite sure how to translate them to text. Then I decided the best way to go about it is to just start writing. So that's what I'm doing.

Today: Modern Day Dating Rituals - Online Dating

Need to catch up?
Read Modern Day Mating Rituals Part I: Introduction
Modern Day Mating Rituals Part II: The Bar Scene



So, between the end of my relationship with my long-term ex and meeting/becoming infatuated with R, I tried out the whole "online dating" scene. I joined match.com and put together a profile.

Girls, if you decide to join an online dating site, you probably don't even have to worry about the content of your profile. If you have a picture, the responses will pretty much just roll in. 99% of the unsolicited responses you get will be a no-go. It may be that the guy just physically isn't your type, or you don't think you have much in common, but more likely it will be due to a massive Online Dating Fail.

What is an Online Dating Fail? Well, it can encompass many things from the initial email through the first several dates... but for now we'll focus on the introductory email. The guys guilty of the Online Dating Fail are the ones that send awkward, uncomfortable, creepy or scary emails and should be avoided at all costs. Lucky for you, I've provided a guide below.


Online Dating Fail: Avoid These Guys

The Date Rapist
This guy has probably made a guest appearance on "To Catch a Predator" and has stock in Rohypnol. His initial email is really skeevy, overtly sexual, and overall just yucky. Words suck as "lick" and "suck" should not be included in a first email unless you are talking about taking me out for ice cream.

The Desperate Guy
He emails you once. Twice. Three times. He asks you out for dinner. Coffee. Movies. Drinks. You have never even responded to his first email, but the emails keep rolling in. "I think I may have clicked the wrong button the last time I tried to email you, so I'll try this again!" Um. You didn't. And please don't.

The Intense Guy
He wants a commitment. And he wants it yesterday. You may just be his last hope for love! Respond right away and we can begin naming our unborn children!

Finally, the most common offender: The Guy Who Doesn't Read Your Profile. At all. Be prepared to answer questions or reiterate your dating specifications repeatedly, or just do what I did. Don't even respond. How do you spot this guy? 5 easy signs will tip you off to his wily ways.


Five Signs He Didn't Read Your Profile:

5. The email reads like a form letter. 

It's usually over the top with lavish yet meaningless compliments: something that is completely generic and can be applied to anyone. Usually, this suitor tries to impress you with lame metaphors and promises of 'things chicks like' such as: foot rubs, long walks on the beach, bubble baths, visiting orphanages.... whatever. You can also identify these emails by the excessive use of one or more of the following lame emoticons/ascii pictures:

  • Winky face - ;-)
  • Smoochy face - :-*
  • Tongue out face - :-P
  • Heart - <3
  • Rose - @---}----

It might read something like the following:

"Dear female, Your blue/green/brown eyes (circle one) are so beautiful. They remind me of the ocean/a soccer field/the fur of a bison. Your hair is a lovely color and/or texture, and I'd like to spend hours braiding it while sitting under an old oak tree while we nosh on our picnic of exotic cheese and fine wine. I love to give women foot massages and I only worry about pleasing a woman in bed. If you are interested in eating cheese and getting a foot massage while I gaze into your blue/green/brown eyes, please email me back. @--}--- A rose for milady. I eagerly await your reply.

<3 Your Romeo"

4. He asks you questions easily answered by reading your profile. 


Mentions specifically to your lifestyle, background, likes/dislikes, interests, or hobbies go unnoticed and his email is chock full of questions about these things.

Example:

Your profile reads: "I come from a big family - I have 7 brothers and sisters. Having so many siblings really worked out for my parents, as we all joined the circus. My mom was the bearded lady, my brother Judd was the dog-boy and I was a tightrope walker. Random facts about me: I'm allergic to all things red and I hate scary movies."

His email reads: "Hello! I find you very intriguing. So, do you have any brothers or sisters? I'd really like to take you out sometime. We can go see the latest installment of the SAW movies (so you can cuddle up real close during the scary parts) and we can share some yummy movie candies - do you like Hot Tamales or Swedish Fish better?"

3. You have posted a specific age range, and he's not in it.

He's out of your target age range, and not by a year or 2. Try 20+. You post an age range of men 23-30, I betcha that over half of your emails are from men over 50. Hey, look, there are 20-somethings that are really into older men, but I'm not one of them. If you could be one of my dad's cohorts, my vagina probably sealed itself up out of pure disgust.

2. You live in L.A. and have specified a dating radius of 25-50 miles. He lives in Lebanon.

Some people are into the idea of a long-distance relationship for the right person. But unless you have specifically specified as such, why is he wasting your time? Oh right, because he didn't read your profile.

1. Your profile mentions that you are a lesbian/republican/Orthodox Greek Christian. You are only interested in other women/like minded republicans/other Orthodox Greeks. He's none. He emails you anyway.

Let's say you are a lesbian. Always have been. Always will be. You have no interest in the peen, and you've made this well known. He emails you anyway which could mean that he didn't read your profile or he has no regard for your lifestyle choices. Additionally, he's probably a creep that has a fetish about bedding a lesbian. No dice, dude.

Now this one never happened to me, because I'm not a lesbian, but I bet it's happened sometime, somewhere, to someone. But the same principal applies to: your religious beliefs, your view on having kids, your political stance etc.

Of course, once in a while you will be get that rare email from a dude who seems normal enough and asks you relevant questions related to the content of your profile. These are the ones worth exploring. When you do, follow these simple rules:

Rules for your First Date with your Cyber-mate

1. Plan to meet in a neutral place

Um, I can't stress this enough. Almost every guy I ever met from match.com was non-stalkerish, but I did have one experience that made me thank my lucky stars that I met my date at the restaurant and not at my home.

2. Plan a short date

Dinner, drinks, coffee - whatever, but set a time limit on it. If you commit yourself to pre-dinner drinks, followed by dinner, followed by a movie, followed by ice cream? Well, you'll have a tough time extracting yourself mid-date if the guy is a creep. If things go well, you can always tack on another activity on the fly.

3. Avoid sports related or physically challenging dates

If you are cool meeting up with your new potential soul mate in gym shorts and a t-shirt, more power to you. But if you are like me, you try to dress to impress for a first date. Therein lies the problem. Going bowling? Great, but don't bother wearing your cute strappy sandals, because you're gonna have to stick your feet into recently deodorized rental shoes. You might also want to take a pass on your sexy low rise jeans. Unless you want to show your date your 7-10 split.

4. Don't get sloppy

Keep your wits about you when it comes to the drinking. I've made this mistake more than once. You will either end up leaving yourself vulnerable or you will end up doing something assy and embarrassing.

5. Last but not least, play it cool 

Say the first date went really well and now you are a smitten kitten. You may have jokingly discussed the "big spoon, little spoon" dynamics of canoodling before bed time, but a small bit of advice? The moment he drives off is NOT the time to text him: "You can be my big spoon anytime. ;)" This may or may not have been based in reality and I may or may not know the culprit of this egregious mistake on a very personal level. In fact, this person may or may not be me. I'll never tell.

I honestly think every girl should read The Rules. On first read, it seems outdated and old fashioned. I definitely balked at the idea of playing "hard to get," and enticing a man in a game of chase. Refusing to take last minute dates (ie: booty calls), keeping phone calls short and sweet to leave him wanting more... I thought it was kinda BS, and I'm not into mind games. But then I realized it's not so much about mind games or playing hard to get, it's about having respect for yourself and demanding that respect from the men pursuing your attention. It's about having a life of your own and not putting everything on hold while you wait with baited breath for that phone call. If he's waiting until the last minute to ask you out, he's not spontaneous, he just didn't have anything better to do. If he really wants that time with you, he's gonna lock it down ASAP.

Plus, dudes like girls to have their own lives. Just sayin'

So, is online dating worth it? Not totally sure, I guess it varies for each person - I never met my soul mate, or even anyone close to it from match.com, but I did meet some cool people. Conversely, I also met some total creeps that luckily provide me enough fodder for an entire post dedicated to weirdos I've gone out with.

You'll just have to wait for that. Next time is Part IV: Social Networking

Friday, April 16, 2010

It Was Just A Dream

Hey Ya and Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture!

So, I know that I will have almost no time to blog this weekend because R's brother and sister in law are coming to visit. So I'm gonna make this a short and sweet entry to tide you over until Monday so you don't miss me too much.

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real that when you wake up, you could swear it was real?

I'm lucky (or unlucky) enough to remember almost all the dreams I have. Well there must be a crossed wire or two up there because I never have good dreams, only nightmares. They usually play out one of two scenarios: Either someone is trying to kill me or I'm having a knock down drag out fight with a loved one. Sometimes both.

For about 2 years in college, I had recurring dreams in which Hannibal Lecter was trying to kill/eat me. In one such dream, he had cloned himself and all of his clones had invaded my sorority house looking for me. In another, Hannibal had me cornered on the shoulder of a very busy expressway. He kept trying to push me into traffic, and when I'd put up my hands to block him, he would try to eat my hand. So I had the choice of being hit by a car or eaten alive. I think given the choice, I would choose the car.

To this day, if I saw Anthony Hopkins in real life, I would need me a pair of "Oops I Crapped My Pants" brand adult diapers.

So anyway, last night I dreamt that I found out that R was cheating on me. That bastard. We got into a huge fight at my childhood home and I was smashing vases and plates in the kitchen. Then I punched R.

Meanwhile in the land of reality, R was leaving for work at the ungodly hour of 5 am. He leaned over to kiss me goodbye and woke me up. I looked at him and backed away, staring daggers at him. Then I almost punched him. Luckily I realized it was only a dream before I took action. I was super pissed when I woke up because the dream felt that real.

How come I can't just have happy or sexy dreams like most normal people?

Happy weekend everyone! Stay out of trouble!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Whiners are Weiners


I originally had intentions to use blog as an opportunity to vent about certain aspects of my job that make me want to gouge my eye out with a teaspoon, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like this isn't the place for that. This is my happy place and I don't want to contaminate it with all that negativity. But hey, if you are a complete masochist and you actually want to read a 30+ page manifesto about everything that is fucked up with the company I work for, shoot me an email and I'll be happy to indulge you :)

So, after I had that profound moment of maturity (doesn't happen too often...) I logged on to the 'book and browsed the activity on my newsfeed. I saw this:

Kayleigh I am not aloud to complain for a month. No thinking complaints, not speaking complaints and no being around people who do. If I complain, or have a complaint tosay I have to also come up with a solution so that it will no longer be one. I challange EVERYONE to do it with me. Lets be different ♥

Monday, April 12, 2010

Opening Day, Public Transporation, iPad, Googleholics Anonymous and Other Assorted Seemingly Unrelated Topics... But They Are!

Opening Day, Public Transporation, iPad, Googleholics Anonymous and Other Assorted Seemingly Unrelated Topics... But They Are!

How's that for a long-ass title to get us rolling today? Suck on that, "Don't be a Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!"

So, hey. Have you missed me? I hope I still have a few readers after dropping off the grid for a few weeks. I'm not flaky, I swear. The truth is, my life has been kind of boring for the last few weeks. Not that I'm complaining. Sometimes I need a little boring from time to time, but the down side is that I've been blocked for weeks. Nothing interesting happening = no blog topics worth writing about. I will continue with my Modern Day Mating Rituals postings soon, but I need to get back into the groove of writing, thus you have a random mish-mash post about the happenings of my day. Lucky you, eh?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Modern Mating Rituals Part II: The Bar Scene

Part II: The Bar Scene
Need to catch up? Read Part I: Introduction



We begin our magical journey into the world of dating with the traditional bar scene. You know how it goes. Single men and women packed body-to-body into a loud bar, add some pumpin' bass and alcohol to the mix, and you have yourself the perfect recipe for romance. Or at least a hookup.

At the bar scene, it's generally the guy's responsibility to pursue and impress the females. Not really fair, I agree, but that's the way it is. I have no problem approaching a guy I think is cute and telling him, "I'm not sure if you can tell, but I am BLATANTLY hitting on you." Too vague? Eh. But not all girl's may feel bold enough to do that, so guys the ball is in your court. You want to make a good impression. You don't want to look like an idiot. But, how?

It's really not too complicated. But there are definitely things you should, and should not do when approaching a young lady in the bar.

Let's cover the basics in bar pick-up etiquette.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Modern Mating Rituals Part I: Introduction



I've been a lazy blogger, forgive me.

For a while I've been planning to share some of the more ridiculous scenarios I experienced while being single. I'm just now finally getting around to it, and there were enough weird stories that occurred during the 18 months between my long-term college boyfriend and R that I decided to make this, not one post, but a series of blog posts which I am going to call, "Modern Mating Rituals."

Part I: Introduction 
Before we get to the down and dirty, I have to preface this series with a brief introduction to my dating background and my philosophy on choosing a potential date. Basically, what motivates me to choose one male specimen over another.

Over the next several days I'll also explore the bar scene, online dating sites, and online networking sites and how they function as the modern day forum for hookups, much like the rainforest is to humping red-butted monkeys.

It's been about 3 years since I've actually had to deal with "the singles scene," and I can honestly say that I don't miss it. But before R came around, I was deeply entrenched in the scene for a few years. I had gotten over a rough break-up and I was kind of anxious to fill the void in companionship that my ex had left when we split, and at the age of 22 I hadn't been single for any significant period of time. I had a lot of single girl behavior to take part in, so I tried it all - meeting dudes in bars, subscribing to match.com for a few months, and I'm even ashamed to admit... virtual flirting via Facebook and Myspace.

I made the most of those 18 months. Through the above-mentioned methods I had a ton of first dates, about a handful of 2nd dates, and exactly one 3rd date.

Why so few 2nd and 3rd dates? Well, I operate in this manner: on first glance I know whether or not I am attracted to someone. If I don't find someone attractive right off the bat, I never will, regardless of how funny or cool they may be. No physical attraction? Sorry, you are in the friend zone forever.

My biggest problem in finding someone to date is this: I can be kind of picky. I just have this annoying habit of picking out the one or many miniscule things about a person that irritate me or turn me off and get hyper-focused on those traits. And let's face it, no one is perfect. Some people find that mole or butt-chin charming or quirky. Not me. I just find it annoying. And that freckle or gap in your teeth has the potential to turn me off forever. And furthermore, I refuse to lead someone on or waste my time or anyone else's. No attraction? No chemistry? No second date. Probably 85% of my first dates fell into this category.

Example: I once couldn't date a guy because his name was Larry. The name just didn't do it for me. I couldn't date another guy because his earlobes were too thick. And I felt skeevy about another guy because his hands were the exact same size as mine. Ick. No second date for you, Larry.

Okay, so let's say someone makes it to a second date. They have passed the preliminary tests and now their personality has to jive with mine. Doesn't always happen. And again, I take a no nonsense approach to dating, so no third date if we don't click by the second date.

One guy made it to the third date, there may have actually been a potential relationship there, but he subsequently moved out of town and I wasn't going to do that whole long distance thing. Until I met R. If you are really interested, you can read the whole story here.

So, in the next several posts, I will discuss the typical pick-ups and mating rituals you can observe in our modern day dating jungle. I'll also be sharing some of the more hilarious, weird, creepy experiences I had while I was single. And there were a LOT of them, since I seem to be a weirdo magnet.

Next Time: The Bar Scene

Monday, March 15, 2010

Commercials, I Hate You. Thank God for DVR.

Why, Gilbert Gottfried? Why? Why do you do this to me?



So apparently that's not his real voice? Then why continue subjecting us to that voice??




And in the non-Gilbert Gottfried world, this commercial actually GIVES me a headache. Clever marketing ploy, you.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Buckets of Fun

Remember that super creepy children's game, Mr. Bucket? Yeah, well here he is.




Yeah. Someone in the advertising department should have been fired for that one. 

Balls pop out of his mouth. Yup, they actually went there.

Listen, parents. Mr. Bucket is a scary sexual predator, coming in through your open windows to get your kids to put their balls in his top. Don't buy into it. And call Dateline's "To Catch A Predator."

So this is Mr. Bucket. I am going to kick him.... someday. In the meantime, I've made a list. And checked it twice. And now I'm checking things off.

Behold, my bucket list:

Simply T's Bucket List


1. Train for a marathon or half-marathon - I was a high school cross country runner and kept running recreationally through college and grad school, but I've never pushed myself for the long distance running. I've started training programs for a half marathon 4 times. And each time I have injured my knee to the point of being unable to run... or walk. Last summer it was a bone bruise. I don't think I'll check this one off just yet, because I still have residual pain in that knee. It may just have to wait until after I ruin my knees completely and ultimately need total knee replacements. Sigh. 

Status: Back burner. 

2. Learn to breakdance - I start a breakdance class tomorrow. It should be interesting... I'm kind of awkward. Soon, you can call me B-Girl T. That sounds way too much like BLT for my liking. 

Status: In progress.

3. Learn to skateboard - I decided that I am going to teach myself to skateboard this summer. I already know how to snowboard, and while it's not totally the same it's in the same family. Prepare for some hilarious Emergency Room stories when I start this one. 

Status: Pending.

4. Learn to beatbox - I don't know why this seems so cool to me. But it does. I wants. But I honestly have no idea how to go about beginning. Maybe I'll meet some beat boxers in my break dance class. 

Status: Undecided.

5. Learn to play the violin: I played the flute and piano as a child. I was pretty good, but it never struck my fancy. I've always admired violin players. This may be on tap this summer. 

Status: Pending.

6. Learn some awesome snowboarding tricks: On my way to this one. I can jump, but I have yet to try jibbing a rail or even any mid-air turns... I have, however, have headbutted a mountain. I truly thought I'd broken my nose. I didn't cry, I just looked up and said, "Is my nose bleeding?" This bodes well for this goal, as it will take a "no fear" "balls to the wall" attitude to accomplish. So...

Status: In progress.

7. Learn to speak spanish: Oh boy. Here's the thing. I'm Puerto Rican. My mother was born in Puerto Rico and her first language was Spanish. But she wanted my brother and I to be completely fluent in English and believed that speaking to us in both languages would ultimately confuse us and force us into Spanglish. I've never heard of such a silly thing. Kids pick up languages so easily, and now I think I'm going to have a really hard time with it. I sucked at French in high school. Why didn't I take Spanish? Because my mom wanted me to and I wanted to do the opposite of anything she wanted me to do. Kids. 

Status: Undecided.

Travel to Australia and Hawaii: God. I want to go there so bad. Not sure when I will, but one of those may end up being a honeymoon destination. The other? Definitely before I have kids. I figure that gives me about 9 or 10 years? Totally doable. 

Status: Undecided.

So there it is. My bucket list.

And now for you: Do you have a bucket list? What things are on your list and how do you plans to accomplish them?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

TMI Thursday: Bathroom Wars - Men Vs. Women

Subtitled: Who's More Disgusting?

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!**

TMI Thursday


It's Thursday, and since I deprived you of a TMI Thursday last week, I knew I was due for one this week. I struggle with deciding on the best story to share with you all on a weekly basis. So, in order to provide variety, the spice of life, to my readers I got all introspective and shit and looked back at the topics of my past TMI Thursdays - pooping in public, peeing my pants, puking all over myself.... well I think I have my bases covered in the bodily functions genre, maybe I should give you a little change of pace this week?

Okay, so this week's TMI Thursday isn't really a far cry from my past posts: it's still about bodily functions, but for once it's not about my own.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dude Where's My Car?

Ok, first and foremost: It was 73 degrees today in the Chi. Fuck Yeah! Bring it on, Spring!

So, the weirdest thing happened to me today.

I was on the phone with R this morning as I exited the house to go to work. We live on a one way street, where parking is allowed on both sides of the street.

As I walked down my front stairs, I see my car on the opposite side of the street, directly in front of our stairs. I used my key remote to unlock the doors, and I hear the click.

I open the driver's side door and the first thing I notice is a bag of M&M's.

Umm... I don't remember buying any candy... that's weird.


The next thing I noticed is that the car interior was very clean. Which is really, really weird because I spend all day driving for work, so the interior of my car resembles the inside of a home on the show "Hoarders."

The final observation prior to my *aha* moment (picture a fat, arthritic hamster running in a wheel... r e a l l y s l o w l y) was that the interior of this car was beige cloth. I have a gray leather interior... so I was really thrown for a loop.

Wait. This isn't my car.

Dude, where's my car???

I knew it had to be nearby because I heard it unlock when I used my remote. So, I turned around and there was my car on the other side of the street, just one car-length up.

What are the odds have been that a car identical to mine (except the interior and cleanliness factor) would be parked so close to my own AND have left their car doors unlocked?

Well, anyway, I totally freaked out, slammed the door, and ran away because I was afraid the owner might see me and think I was stealing their car.

Short anecdote today, not enough time for one of my War & Peace length entries since I had photography class until 9:30. I have more time tomorrow and I'm mentally choosing between a few of my stories for TMI Thursday. Keep an eye out for that!

Late add:

I'm a bandwagon, tweeting, blogging, whore. I started a twitter account for my blog. Follow me, and I'll give you a cookie! Well, maybe not, but I'll return the favor and follow you. Simply T (allearsonme) on Twitter

Goodbye, my pretties!

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Helmet Chronicles




It's Monday. Again.

If you are anything like me, Garfield, Dilbert and the guy from Office Space... you may have a case of the Mondays. And we hate Mondays. I'd rather have a raging case of the herp than my weekly case of the Mondays, but yet here we are. Again. Le Sigh.

So, kids, being that we are fighting off a case of the Mondays, and laughter is the best medicine, I am giving you the rare (yeah, right) opportunity to laugh at me. It's okay, I'm laughing too, so it's really more like laughing with me.

I present to you what I am calling "The Helmet Chronicles," or more appropriately "Me vs. The World: Why I Need a Helmet to Get Through the Day."

- I have a tin of cuticle cream and a tin of lip balm in my purse. Recently, I have mistakenly put cuticle cream on my lips. Twice.

- Sometimes I get jumpy. Around Christmas, I was in Walgreens perusing the Christmas cards when a man came up behind me and started petting my hair! I got startled, ducked, then turned on him ready to give him my best right jab for thinking my pretty, shiny hair is his own personal petting zoo. And then I realized it was R. Oops.

- Another time, R was sitting on the couch. I was laying on the couch with my feet near him, looking directly at him. I watched as he touched my foot. I was so startled, I screamed.

- Occasionally, R walks into a room and says something to me. I usually scream. Is it my fault that my boyfriend is a ninja?

- Last Friday, I woke up in a rush. I had a 7:30 appointment downtown, and failed to hear my alarm since I'd stuffed it under a pillow. I woke up at 7:02. In my sleep induced haze, I tried to put nasal spray in my eyes in place of visine. Then I tried to put the orange juice away in the cups cabinet.

- I joined the website ideeli.com to scope out some sweet sales. While putting things in my cart, I failed to pay attention to the quantity and mistakenly bought 4 pairs of jeans. Anyone care to buy a pair of bootcut Antik Denim jeans, size 29, for $50? I have 3 extra pairs...

- Multiple times I've gone an entire day not realizing that my underwear was on inside out.

- Think that's bad? On more than one occasion, I've mistakenly worn my workout pants backwards for an entire day.

- While in Keystone, I brought an ACTUAL helmet. Granted, it was for Snowboarding, in case I wanted to try some jumps - I didn't end up wearing it except for in our rented condo.... and guess what? I wore it backwards. Picture below:

The WRONG Way to Wear A Helmet
The Right Way to Wear Your Helmet

Photos edited using pzap.com

- This past Saturday, I caught an episode of "Shear Genius" on Bravo. A few of the stylists created looks for their models using pin curls. I had a stroke of "Shear Genius" myself and decided to try pincurls in my own hair. My hair has a natural wave to it, but I typically flat iron it straight straight straight. See below:

My hair as per usual. I'm pretty. Pretty angry.

What I envisioned was something like this: 

  

What resulted was this:

Hot. Is this a Frizz-Ease Ad or what?

Go ahead and laugh. I did. And then I pulled it back, put on a headband and got ready for work.

Please be sure to tip your servers. I'll be here all week.

Ps - This is the closest you will get to seeing what I really look like, without actually meeting me in person and signing a contract in blood not to tell my employers what I do in my spare time. Enjoy!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Viral Thursday: In Place of this Week's TMI Thursday

Nothing would make me happier than to give you another tale of humiliation so that you can laugh at my expense for LiLu's TMI Thursday this week. However, I have promised myself I'd get some work stuff done and that I'd finish up the post I started last week. So, in the interest of time I decided that I'd be posting some funny videos for your entertainment.


I'm calling this Viral Thursday. I know it lacks the alliterative quality of "TMI Thursday" but another one of my embarrassing bodily function stories should be back by next week! 


Enjoy!


How to say "12 Months" in Estonia





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Airplane





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Hospital





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Romantic Dinner





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Concert





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Convenience Store





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Dog Park





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Parking Meter





Axe - Clean Your Balls





Cat Vs. Robot





Jersey Shore's Snooki Knockout Reenacted By Puppies





Rollerblader "Gives Way"





Matt Mullholland's Penis Chorale





Worst. Pizza. Commercial. Ever.




 
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