Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My Life Without A Job: Day 1

Last night, after I published my last post I stayed up for about another hour or so for absolutely no reason. I finally made it to bed at about 3:30 after debating just staying on the couch out of sheer laziness.

I woke up today at the crack of noon. I then proceeded to stay in bed for the next hour and a half catching up on my blog reading via my RSS reader on my iPhone. The rest of my day went a little like this:

1:45 - Review to-do list. To do list includes only 2 items: 1 - Return supplies to old job. 2 - Grocery shop. Gather items from old job including laptop, bag, chargers, supply box etc. Load items into car.

1:50 -  Stop into Einstein Bagel for a raspberry lemonade and an everything bagel.

1:55 - 2:10 -  Drive downtown while consuming delicious everything bagel and arrive in the vicinity of the office to look for parking.

2:10 - 2:20 - Too stubborn to pay for garage parking (despite the parking reimbursement from company) and spend next 10 minutes circling the block looking for street parking.

2:20 - 2:35 - Find parking. Bring supplies up to office. Shred old patient files, say goodbye to office staff and give hugs to everyone except for my evil monster-boss.

2:35 - 2:50 - Begin driving home. Call R while driving back. R requests 6 pack of beer.

2:50 - Decide that returning supplies to the office was taxing enough for one day and decide to postpone grocery shopping until tomorrow. Still need to buy beer, so stop by liquor store.

2:50-3:00 - Go overboard at liquor store and instead of buying one 6 pack, end up picking up three 6 packs and a bottle of Bacardi Limon.

3:00 - Try to decide between standing in line behind 2 people or one person. Choose the lane with 2 people ahead because it is closer and I am lazy.

3:01 - Cashier tells me that the other lane is open as well. Feel too lazy to argue, so relocate to the farther lane.

3:01:30 - Notice that the ONE person in the farther lane is buying no less than 30 bottles of wine.

3:01:45 - Return to original line, but now 3 people deep.

3:05 - Purchase above mentioned 6 packs and bottle of rum with look of shame.

3:05 - 3:10 - Drive back toward home, get 2 blocks from house before salad craving hits.

3:10 - Take a sudden left and call Zig Zag Kitchen to order a Mediterranean salad with no cheese and extra olives.

3:10 - 3:30 - Accidentally pass Zig Zag Kitchen and spend the next 15-20 minutes circling the block looking for parking.

3:30 - Park illegally. Head inside to pick up salad. Pay for salad and return to car.

3:32 - Arms full of salad, dig for car keys. Fail to locate keys in a timely manner. Place salad on top of car to use both hands. Still fail to find keys.

3:33 - Head back into Zig Zag Kitchen and find keys and cell phone laying on top of counter.

3:35 - Return to car. Retrieve salad from roof. Get into car and begin driving home.

3:45 - Turn onto my cross street. See a runner that looks a lot like my friend J.G.

3:46 - Drive along side runner at 5 mph, peering out window to determine if it is, in fact, J.G.

3:46:30 - Runner turns to look. Pretend to be looking for parking.

3:47 - Runner waves. Sigh of relief. It is J.G.

3:47:15 - 3:50 Pull over. Chat with J.G. for a minute. Park car.

3:50 - 4:00 - Collect insane amount of beer and salad from car. Lug items up front stairs.

4:00 - 4:05 - Dig through purse for house keys. Get frustrated. Put down beer and salad.

4:05 - 4:10 - Use both hands to dig through purse for house keys. Fail to locate house keys. Become frustrated and retrieve spare keys from hiding place.

4:10 - 4:15 - Bring beer and salad into house and set them down. Pay excessive amount of attention to dog, who is ever so happy to see me.

4:15 - 4:20 - Empty purse in search of house keys. Still not to be found, give up and call office.

4:20 - Confirm that house keys are, in fact, at the office downtown.

4:21 - Briefly consider driving back downtown for house keys, but decide that getting salad was tiring enough and will pick up keys tomorrow in addition to grocery shopping.

4:22 - Commence drinking loaded Coronas (recipe to follow) and eating delicious salad.

4:45 - Continue drinking loaded Coronas and begin writing lazy, time-line driven blog entry.

6:00 - Write some potential lame blog content in the form of complaint/commendation letters. Laugh at own jokes. Doubt generalizability of personal sense of humor across reader population. Decide I don't care and publish anyway.

Everything Bagels

Dear Everything Bagels,

You are Everything I could ever hope for in a bagel. You are soft and chewy, unless I want you to be crispy, in which case you are versatile enough to be crispy after about a minute in the toaster. You have delicious poppy seeds, sesame seeds, and enough salt and toasted garlic to satisfy my craving for something savory without making my mouth smell and taste like a vampire's armpit.

Please excuse me, Everything Bagel. I take that back because it makes no sense. A vampire's armpit wouldn't taste remotely like garlic (though it might be a bit salty), since wearing garlic deodorant would most likely kill or maim him or her. Again, I apologize for my nonsense, I may or may not be kind of drunk.

Let me try that again.

You have enough salt and toasted garlic to satisfy my craving for something savory without making my mouth smell and taste like I've been licking Emeril Lagasse's fingers.

That's still no good.

You have enough salt and toasted garlic to satisfy my craving for something savory without making my mouth smell and taste like I've... shit, you know what I mean. You are tasty, Everything Bagel. I just can't quit you.

I have one question, though, Everything Bagel. Why do you drop all of your toppings the minute I pick you up? Isn't there some sort of sesame seed and toasted garlic glue you could use to secure your particles more firmly?

I ask this because when I eat you in the car, you drop all of your seed and garlic particles directly into my crotch. I don't mind picking up these particles to sprinkle them back upon your bready surface, but when I do, the other drivers think I am picking out a camel toe or that I am suffering from some itchy crotch syndrome. They think I'm gross, Everything Bagel, and you are not helping my reputation.

Please reconsider my garlic glue idea. I think this could skyrocket you to the top of the bagel stratosphere.



Lays Limon Chips

Dear Lays Limon Chips,

You are delicious. You are salty and tangy, like Salt and Vinegar chips, but with an extra zing. Also, your label is in both English and Spanish, so I think you might be vaguely educational.

But, I have a cut on my lip, and you hurt it. Please apologize.

Thank you,



Dear ADD,

ADD, I really hate you. You make every day tasks like grocery shopping seem insurmountable. You make me forget my keys and phone inside a restaurant while picking up a salad. Why do you do that, ADD? Do you want to make me look stupid? Even worse, you make me leave my house keys at the office of my old job. I thought I was free, but now I have to go back there, and it's all your fault.

Did you think this was a funny prank? Because I'm not laughing. You almost killed me. I had to stand on a very high surface to retrieve my hidden spare key to get back into the house. You wouldn't be laughing if I fell down and cracked my head. If that happened you wouldn't be able to distract me anymore because I'd be dead.

You make it impossible for me to write a blog post in a timely manner, however your crazy antics do provide good material for posts. Keep it up, ADD, I'm back on my Adderall and even though it makes me grind my teeth and flex my muscles involuntarily sometimes, at least I'll remember where my keys are. Sometimes.

F. U., ADD.

Sincerely, T

Loaded Coronas

Dear Loaded Coronas,

I have no complaints for you. You are simply wonderful. You are cool and refreshing and you get me drunk faster than regular Corona.

I'm pretty sure you make my blogging funnier. If not, you at least increase my perception of my inherent hilarity. It's possible that you make my blogging sound dumber, but I'll never know because you have impaired my judgement. I would marry you if I could.

Thank you for your refreshing goodness. Keep up the good work.



P.S. I do have one minor beef with you, Loaded Corona. You give me a false sense of confidence, leading me to leave the house to walk my dog believing that I'm a Pretty Princess. In fact, I look like this:

You see why this would not be a desirable way to go out in public, Loaded Corona?

You let me go out thinking I looked pretty when in fact I was sporting Homeless Hair, a stain on my shirt from the balsalmic vinaigrette in my salad at lunch, massive bruises on both legs from when I fell off my bike, and smelling faintly of you, Loaded Corona. My only saving grace was my adorable dog, A, who I will no longer refer to as "A," because he is a dog and he doesn't care about keeping his identity a secret. His name is Aries and he's probably the only thing that kept me from being arrested on the spot for vagrancy.

See how cute he is? He got me out of a speeding ticket once, but he may not be able to stave off charges of hideosity in the first degree. Please do not deceive me again, Loaded Corona. Next time, urge me to seek out a mirror. But seriously, thanks for the good times.

Sincerely (again),


As promised, I will share with you the wonder that is the Loaded Corona. I'm not an alcoholic, I just don't have a job. Don't you judge me.

Loaded Coronas

- Bottled Coronas
- Bottle of Bacardi Limon or your choice of citrus flavored rum

1. Open a bottle of Corona with a bottle opener.
2. Fill the empty space in the bottle with Bacardi Limon
3. Firmly stop up the opening to the bottle with the palm of your hand.
4. Turn the bottle upside down to allow the Bacardi Limon to mix with the beer. You will see little wavy lines traveling to the bottom of the beer that look like oil mixing with water.
5. Turn the bottle right side up and consume.
6. Blog about the experience.


Miss N said...

Sweet Jesus, did you seriously chronicle your day minute by minute? lol I can tell you from experience (almost 3 months of experience now), your days are gonna get pretty long that way, haha. However, I don't really have any other suggestions on how else to spend days of no employment unless it involves staying up late and sleeping in, laying out in the sun, and of course spending some time job hunting. Oh, also perfecting the fish burial ceremony...2 damn fish in 2 months!

It's a good thing I'm coming to visit you so you have company to distract you from time chronicle-ing...and by distract, might I suggest some beach time if it's nice out?

Simply "T" said...

Beach time + Castaways if the weather permits!!!

It's like Spring Break, only FUNNER!

emily said...

Why did I not know about Loaded Coronas? I've been not working for longer than I should say and I've totally been missing out. My heart is a little sad.

Anonymous said...

You should be lucky that I like you or I may not have read this entire thing - but I did. I have serious ADD - I finally went on Adderal for it - here's a tip, adderal and large quantities of coffee don't mix and also make your breath stink, but you're less likely to forget your keys.

I don't know why they can't just cook the everything bagel toppings in to the bagel itself? that would make things so much easier.

Allison's Randomness said...

i have to admit...i am a bit jealous!

Simply "T" said...

OG - I am ever so honored that you made it through my timeline. I almost didn't make it through, so well done. I think I shall build you a trophy.

Allison - Sadly, I'm getting a little too used to spending my days drinking loaded coronas and Franzia. I am not looking forward to going back to work....

Template designed using TrixTG