Monday, April 12, 2010

Opening Day, Public Transporation, iPad, Googleholics Anonymous and Other Assorted Seemingly Unrelated Topics... But They Are!

Opening Day, Public Transporation, iPad, Googleholics Anonymous and Other Assorted Seemingly Unrelated Topics... But They Are!

How's that for a long-ass title to get us rolling today? Suck on that, "Don't be a Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!"

So, hey. Have you missed me? I hope I still have a few readers after dropping off the grid for a few weeks. I'm not flaky, I swear. The truth is, my life has been kind of boring for the last few weeks. Not that I'm complaining. Sometimes I need a little boring from time to time, but the down side is that I've been blocked for weeks. Nothing interesting happening = no blog topics worth writing about. I will continue with my Modern Day Mating Rituals postings soon, but I need to get back into the groove of writing, thus you have a random mish-mash post about the happenings of my day. Lucky you, eh?

So, it's baseball season. I love it. There's something about the atmosphere, the energy in the air, that goes along with a baseball game. America's favorite pastime, indeed. Beer, bleachers, tailgates, and of course... the game itself: I love these things. I even have a soft spot in my heart for all the obnoxious (charming) drunks stumbling around the parking lot after the game.

If you've read me regularly, you may know that I live in close vicinity of Wrigley Field, putting us steps away from hundreds of bars, restaurants, beer gardens, and the hub of nightlife activity for 20 somethings: Clark Street. It's great, I wouldn't choose to live elsewhere.

But to every silver lining there must be a cloud, no?

Well to live in such a desirable location, we have to make a few small sacrifices.

Being that we are so close to the stadium, we are also right smack dab in the middle of the mob of Cubs fans devoted to packing the stadium for every home game. I am not a Cubs fan (Go Sox), but I will admit that they have some fiercely loyal fans. No World Series win in over 100 years? No matter, "Maybe next year," is the Cubs' fan motto.

The massive influx of cars and bodies during a game leave a sad shortage of street parking near my apartment. Sucks, but I've learned to deal with it. Mainly, I just don't move my car before/during/after a game. Ever.

I still have plans to purchase a Vespa this summer to be able to zip about town without taking my car, but in the meantime I need to find a suitable alternative to get me to/from my job. Well, luckily Chicago has a great public transportation system, so I can hop on the "el"

So, today I opted for the el, in lieu of traffic and hours of hunting for a parking spot.

Now, I'm no stranger to the public transportation system here, but still, every time I step foot on a train or bus I have a momentary panic attack.

"What if I have the wrong change?"

"What if I lose my transit card?"

"What if I accidentally put my transit card in backwards and try to step through the turnstile only to get violently banged in the crotch (twss) and everyone laughs at me?"Never happened to me, don't know what you're talking about.

So when I finally overcome my crippling fears about using my transit card correctly, I can just hop on the train, take a seat, and do all the things I can't do while driving - read a book or magazine, finish paperwork, or my personal fave - surf "the net" by way of my iPhone.

While sitting on the train, reading through my round of favorite websites, I realized just how many people were around me. Now, I may sound like a paranoid tinfoil hat-wearing old lady, but I fiercely guard my privacy when using the internet/email on my iPhone in public. It's not that I'm looking at anything scandalous, mind you, I just have an irrational fear of judgement from strangers.

This thought process got me thinking about Apple's most recent must-have gadget for the people that jerk off to pictures of Steve Jobs and the Apple II at night. I mean Apple enthusiasts... (As I write this on my MacBook). The iPad!

I know it's probably been said before, but when I hear the name "iPad" I can only think of a high tech feminine hygiene product. Ew.

Awkward name aside, the iPad is essentially an iPod Touch for those with giant man-hands.

With your man hands (or regular sized hands, if you prefer) you can read books online, check your email, surf the net with much larger text. This is very convenient. For the people around you. Bigger text = easier for people to read over your shoulder.

Again, I'm not looking at anything overtly scandalous, but I must admit.... I have a problem.

Hello. My name is Simply T and I'm a Googleholic.

The concept of the iPad is problematic for me because I am curious by nature, and I want to know about a lot of random things. So I google. Yes, I google. And I google... um... pretty much everything, including topics that strangers might find a bit strange.

Do I want strangers knowing that I am googling "How to make a shrunken head?" Absolutely not. But, there's no hiding your voodoo curiosities with the iPad! That's just one of a multitude of embarrassing google searches. Don't believe me? Below you will find a list of my recent google searches that would have mortified me in public.

You be the judge. Am I just paranoid or would you totally judge a person if you watched them google these things? In public no less.

Simply T's Simply Weird Google Searches

"Man hands"
In order to locate the above Seinfeld YouTube video

"Vegan Lucky Charms"
I miss those little marshmallows, yo

"Lindsay Lohan Mean Girls Nintendo DS"
To understand why, read this snippet

"Wink Response Test"
I watched a crappy Law and Order: SVU style TV movie. They mentioned this in one of the depositions. I wasn't sure what it was, so I googled it. I was lead to this page Anal Wink It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like.

"How to solve a Rubik's Cube"
When I was a kid, I efficiently solved this by peeling off the colored stickers and placing them back on in the correct formation. I was curious how to solve it for real. Then my brain exploded when I tried to read a "simple" explanation.

"How to tightrope walk"
I've always wanted to know!

"Panty vending machines"
Again, watching another Law and Order: SVU type show. They were hunting down a panty fetish-ist. One of the detectives mentioned that they have vending machines in Asian countries for used women's underwear. I didn't believe this was a real thing, so I googled it. Natch. It appears to be true. Weird. And creepy.

"Demi Moore bush"
Okay. I realize that I sound a complete pervert sicko right now, but if you watch the show Tosh.0, he recently dispensed instructions to the audience on how to reach this old-skool picture of Demi Moore with an epic, massive, wooly-mammoth, brillo pad on 'roids, bush. Was I curious to see what all the hubbub is about? Heck yes. You know you would be, too. In fact, you are so curious, you are totally going to google it now. I'll save you the trouble. Here is the link, Completely, unequivocally, NSFW and just remember: there are some things you can't un-see.

"Demi Moore bush real or fake?"
After seeing that "fur-kini" as someone on a message board so eloquently put it, I just HAD to know if it was real or photoshopped. Apparently it is, indeed, real. From the pages of a French magazine, evidently.

"What happens after they destroy the car on America's Worst Driver?"
This has been driving me crazy since I started watching this show. If you haven't seen it, the premise is that 4 individuals have been nominated by family and friends as their respective city's worst driver. They must handle a series of driving tests to avoid being labeled "Chicago's Worst Driver" - or Miami, San Francisco, wherever the show is being hosted that week. At the end, the person who loses must watch their car be destroyed... blown up, run over by monster truck, whatever.
I just have a hard time believing that these people allow the producers to destroy their car and go uncompensated. I want to know, do they get a new car? A new car and driving lessons? A bus pass? What!? I MUST KNOW!!!! This one remains unsolved.

"How to make my quad muscles smaller"/"How to make my calf muscles smaller"
In stark contrast to my wimpy arms, I have fairly muscular legs. I am actually relatively happy with my legs, but I'm always jealous of the wispy, lean, dancer legs that some women have (Read: Supermodels).

Yes, that actually is me. See, my legs are cute, but how do I make them look like this? And furthermore, how do I get my ass to look like that? A fruitless attempt, I'm sure, but I wanted to know if someone on the inter-web knew something I didn't know.

And last, but not least, I'll leave you with this final thought. Remember the TV show Small Wonder? Remember the little robot girl, Vicki? She was played by an actress named Tiffany Brissette... well, I was curious..."What Happened To Tiffany Brissette?"

Much like the mysterious number of licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop, the world may never know...


Allison's Randomness said...

honestly, i wouldnt judge. i would laugh. and then ask to look with you! those are hilarious topics. okay, maybe i wouldn’t ask to look with you...not that bold. i would put on sunglasses and pretend i wasn’t using my awesome peripheral vision to see what you were surfing! glad to have you back!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're back, I was starting to get worried. Sounds like you live in a great spot that maybe I would like to live if I move to Chicago - except for that I'm an Astros fan.

I'm right there with you, the stuff I google is ridiculous...sometimes I have to clear my google searches just in case I lose my Iphone people don't think I'm a nutjob if they find it. I googled a seinfeld video for a post, but you will have to wait for it.

I think if you catch somebody looking over your shoulder you could just google something that would make them feel awkward like "where do I find a pair of ugly orange keds" assuming the person looking over your shoulder was wearing orange keds - you see how this works? Or you could just hold the thing up close to you like some kind of weirdo shmeegle. Either way.

I was wondering how bad that Demi Moore bush was, but it had slipped my mind to look it up, thanks for doing the work for me. By the way...nice legs.

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