Opening Day, Public Transporation, iPad, Googleholics Anonymous and Other Assorted Seemingly Unrelated Topics... But They Are!

Opening Day, Public Transporation, iPad, Googleholics Anonymous and Other Assorted Seemingly Unrelated Topics... But They Are!

How's that for a long-ass title to get us rolling today? Suck on that, "Don't be a Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!"

So, hey. Have you missed me? I hope I still have a few readers after dropping off the grid for a few weeks. I'm not flaky, I swear. The truth is, my life has been kind of boring for the last few weeks. Not that I'm complaining. Sometimes I need a little boring from time to time, but the down side is that I've been blocked for weeks. Nothing interesting happening = no blog topics worth writing about. I will continue with my Modern Day Mating Rituals postings soon, but I need to get back into the groove of writing, thus you have a random mish-mash post about the happenings of my day. Lucky you, eh?

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Buckets of Fun

Remember that super creepy children's game, Mr. Bucket? Yeah, well here he is.

Yeah. Someone in the advertising department should have been fired for that one. 

Balls pop out of his mouth. Yup, they actually went there.

Listen, parents. Mr. Bucket is a scary sexual predator, coming in through your open windows to get your kids to put their balls in his top. Don't buy into it. And call Dateline's "To Catch A Predator."

So this is Mr. Bucket. I am going to kick him.... someday. In the meantime, I've made a list. And checked it twice. And now I'm checking things off.

Behold, my bucket list:

Simply T's Bucket List

1. Train for a marathon or half-marathon - I was a high school cross country runner and kept running recreationally through college and grad school, but I've never pushed myself for the long distance running. I've started training programs for a half marathon 4 times. And each time I have injured my knee to the point of being unable to run... or walk. Last summer it was a bone bruise. I don't think I'll check this one off just yet, because I still have residual pain in that knee. It may just have to wait until after I ruin my knees completely and ultimately need total knee replacements. Sigh. 

Status: Back burner. 

2. Learn to breakdance - I start a breakdance class tomorrow. It should be interesting... I'm kind of awkward. Soon, you can call me B-Girl T. That sounds way too much like BLT for my liking. 

Status: In progress.

3. Learn to skateboard - I decided that I am going to teach myself to skateboard this summer. I already know how to snowboard, and while it's not totally the same it's in the same family. Prepare for some hilarious Emergency Room stories when I start this one. 

Status: Pending.

4. Learn to beatbox - I don't know why this seems so cool to me. But it does. I wants. But I honestly have no idea how to go about beginning. Maybe I'll meet some beat boxers in my break dance class. 

Status: Undecided.

5. Learn to play the violin: I played the flute and piano as a child. I was pretty good, but it never struck my fancy. I've always admired violin players. This may be on tap this summer. 

Status: Pending.

6. Learn some awesome snowboarding tricks: On my way to this one. I can jump, but I have yet to try jibbing a rail or even any mid-air turns... I have, however, have headbutted a mountain. I truly thought I'd broken my nose. I didn't cry, I just looked up and said, "Is my nose bleeding?" This bodes well for this goal, as it will take a "no fear" "balls to the wall" attitude to accomplish. So...

Status: In progress.

7. Learn to speak spanish: Oh boy. Here's the thing. I'm Puerto Rican. My mother was born in Puerto Rico and her first language was Spanish. But she wanted my brother and I to be completely fluent in English and believed that speaking to us in both languages would ultimately confuse us and force us into Spanglish. I've never heard of such a silly thing. Kids pick up languages so easily, and now I think I'm going to have a really hard time with it. I sucked at French in high school. Why didn't I take Spanish? Because my mom wanted me to and I wanted to do the opposite of anything she wanted me to do. Kids. 

Status: Undecided.

Travel to Australia and Hawaii: God. I want to go there so bad. Not sure when I will, but one of those may end up being a honeymoon destination. The other? Definitely before I have kids. I figure that gives me about 9 or 10 years? Totally doable. 

Status: Undecided.

So there it is. My bucket list.

And now for you: Do you have a bucket list? What things are on your list and how do you plans to accomplish them?

Dude Where's My Car?

Ok, first and foremost: It was 73 degrees today in the Chi. Fuck Yeah! Bring it on, Spring!

So, the weirdest thing happened to me today.

I was on the phone with R this morning as I exited the house to go to work. We live on a one way street, where parking is allowed on both sides of the street.

As I walked down my front stairs, I see my car on the opposite side of the street, directly in front of our stairs. I used my key remote to unlock the doors, and I hear the click.

I open the driver's side door and the first thing I notice is a bag of M&M's.

Umm... I don't remember buying any candy... that's weird.


The next thing I noticed is that the car interior was very clean. Which is really, really weird because I spend all day driving for work, so the interior of my car resembles the inside of a home on the show "Hoarders."

The final observation prior to my *aha* moment (picture a fat, arthritic hamster running in a wheel... r e a l l y s l o w l y) was that the interior of this car was beige cloth. I have a gray leather interior... so I was really thrown for a loop.

Wait. This isn't my car.

Dude, where's my car???

I knew it had to be nearby because I heard it unlock when I used my remote. So, I turned around and there was my car on the other side of the street, just one car-length up.

What are the odds have been that a car identical to mine (except the interior and cleanliness factor) would be parked so close to my own AND have left their car doors unlocked?

Well, anyway, I totally freaked out, slammed the door, and ran away because I was afraid the owner might see me and think I was stealing their car.

Short anecdote today, not enough time for one of my War & Peace length entries since I had photography class until 9:30. I have more time tomorrow and I'm mentally choosing between a few of my stories for TMI Thursday. Keep an eye out for that!

Late add:

I'm a bandwagon, tweeting, blogging, whore. I started a twitter account for my blog. Follow me, and I'll give you a cookie! Well, maybe not, but I'll return the favor and follow you. Simply T (allearsonme) on Twitter

Goodbye, my pretties!

The Helmet Chronicles

It's Monday. Again.

If you are anything like me, Garfield, Dilbert and the guy from Office Space... you may have a case of the Mondays. And we hate Mondays. I'd rather have a raging case of the herp than my weekly case of the Mondays, but yet here we are. Again. Le Sigh.

So, kids, being that we are fighting off a case of the Mondays, and laughter is the best medicine, I am giving you the rare (yeah, right) opportunity to laugh at me. It's okay, I'm laughing too, so it's really more like laughing with me.

I present to you what I am calling "The Helmet Chronicles," or more appropriately "Me vs. The World: Why I Need a Helmet to Get Through the Day."

- I have a tin of cuticle cream and a tin of lip balm in my purse. Recently, I have mistakenly put cuticle cream on my lips. Twice.

- Sometimes I get jumpy. Around Christmas, I was in Walgreens perusing the Christmas cards when a man came up behind me and started petting my hair! I got startled, ducked, then turned on him ready to give him my best right jab for thinking my pretty, shiny hair is his own personal petting zoo. And then I realized it was R. Oops.

- Another time, R was sitting on the couch. I was laying on the couch with my feet near him, looking directly at him. I watched as he touched my foot. I was so startled, I screamed.

- Occasionally, R walks into a room and says something to me. I usually scream. Is it my fault that my boyfriend is a ninja?

- Last Friday, I woke up in a rush. I had a 7:30 appointment downtown, and failed to hear my alarm since I'd stuffed it under a pillow. I woke up at 7:02. In my sleep induced haze, I tried to put nasal spray in my eyes in place of visine. Then I tried to put the orange juice away in the cups cabinet.

- I joined the website ideeli.com to scope out some sweet sales. While putting things in my cart, I failed to pay attention to the quantity and mistakenly bought 4 pairs of jeans. Anyone care to buy a pair of bootcut Antik Denim jeans, size 29, for $50? I have 3 extra pairs...

- Multiple times I've gone an entire day not realizing that my underwear was on inside out.

- Think that's bad? On more than one occasion, I've mistakenly worn my workout pants backwards for an entire day.

- While in Keystone, I brought an ACTUAL helmet. Granted, it was for Snowboarding, in case I wanted to try some jumps - I didn't end up wearing it except for in our rented condo.... and guess what? I wore it backwards. Picture below:

The WRONG Way to Wear A Helmet

The Right Way to Wear Your Helmet

Photos edited using pzap.com

- This past Saturday, I caught an episode of "Shear Genius" on Bravo. A few of the stylists created looks for their models using pin curls. I had a stroke of "Shear Genius" myself and decided to try pincurls in my own hair. My hair has a natural wave to it, but I typically flat iron it straight straight straight. See below:

My hair as per usual. I'm pretty. Pretty angry.

What I envisioned was something like this: 

  

What resulted was this:

Hot. Is this a Frizz-Ease Ad or what?

Go ahead and laugh. I did. And then I pulled it back, put on a headband and got ready for work.

Please be sure to tip your servers. I'll be here all week.

Ps - This is the closest you will get to seeing what I really look like, without actually meeting me in person and signing a contract in blood not to tell my employers what I do in my spare time. Enjoy!

Viral Thursday: In Place of this Week's TMI Thursday

Nothing would make me happier than to give you another tale of humiliation so that you can laugh at my expense for LiLu's TMI Thursday this week. However, I have promised myself I'd get some work stuff done and that I'd finish up the post I started last week. So, in the interest of time I decided that I'd be posting some funny videos for your entertainment.


I'm calling this Viral Thursday. I know it lacks the alliterative quality of "TMI Thursday" but another one of my embarrassing bodily function stories should be back by next week! 


Enjoy!


How to say "12 Months" in Estonia





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Airplane





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Hospital





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Romantic Dinner





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Concert





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Convenience Store





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Dog Park





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Parking Meter





Axe - Clean Your Balls





Cat Vs. Robot





Jersey Shore's Snooki Knockout Reenacted By Puppies





Rollerblader "Gives Way"





Matt Mullholland's Penis Chorale





Worst. Pizza. Commercial. Ever.

Manswers: Dude Looks Like A Lady

If you have no life and/or are obsessed with me (it's okay, we're all friends here) then you have actually read my About Me section and you will know that I refer to myself as "A walking contradiction." One of my contradictionalities... contradiction + personalities = contradictionalities... is my feminine vs. masculine qualities.

This dichotomy can be perfectly exhibited by my taste in television shows. I love shows on the super girly end of the spectrum: pretty much anything on Lifetime, Oxygen, TLC, WEtv etc. Give me a Saturday afternoon with a DVR filled with episodes of Say Yes to the Dress, Bridezillas, The Real Housewives, and any Lifetime movie starring Tori Spelling, Candace Cameron or any country music star, and I am happy as a clam. With a little pink bow. Because it's a girl clam. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you will also find my DVR jam packed with lots of shows that are decidedly "manly." Mythbusters, Untamed and Uncut, 1000 Ways to Die and every episode of SpikeTV's Manswers. I think I'm ready for my honorary penis now, thanks.


So, while engaging in my mustache trimming, crotch scratching, burping, farting Manswers marathon this past weekend, my interest was piqued by a segment during which the Manswers team explored the world of transgenderism. In this segment, they answered the viewer's question: "How Can You Tell if She's Really a He?" Providing a "sure-fire" way to determine whether your potential bar hook-up is now, or ever was packing heat at some point in the past; a method more discreet than just copping a feel, which won't get you far with too many respectable chicks. Then again, if you're not on the hunt for respectable, grope away, but just know that you run the risk of getting slapped.

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Drug Wars

I don't really have any cohesive topic to discuss this evening, so I'm just going to tell you a short vignette about something humorous that I encountered today.

So, in October I had to have my annual TB test for work. I wasn't able to get an appointment with my primary physician for several days, so I decided to head over to the Walgreens Take Care clinic to have the test done. So anyway, once I got my results I faxed them over to our main office so they could have them on file. I called them to make sure they got the fax, and they did. Done and done, right?

No, it never is, is it?

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Quidditch and Hogwarts and Muggles, Oh My!

If there is one thing I love more than anything in this world, it's a good "tween" novel. So, a while back when I read an article hyping up a new Harry Potter theme park? I was sold. Now, I'm seeing commercials all over the place for the grand opening this Spring for "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" at Universal Studios Orlando.

Um. Yes, please.

See you in Orlando, BITCHES! Now if only they can start working on getting together a Twilight theme park with an Edward Cullen and Jacob Black huggable plush toy for each and every female to enter the park... Just... just find a way to make it happen!

Anyway, in other, totally non-teeny bopper related news, I just returned from seeing Jack's Mannequin at the House of Blues. Now if you must know anything about my likes/dislikes aside from tween novels and all things Pattinson and Lautner... whatever, don't judge, as of the 11th he's legal. No double standards in this house! How many college aged dudes were counting down until the Olsen twins' 18th?

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, my likes and dislikes. If you must know anything about my likes/dislikes, you must know that in my world, Andrew McMahon is a veritable GOD. He has more musical genius in his pinky toe than the collective population of most indigenous countries.

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TMI Thursday: There's A Reason Why I Blocked This Out Of My Memory

Hey there kids. It's Thursday, which means it's time for another TMI Thursday post for the fabulous LiLu's blog, Livit, Luvit.

Really, folks. If you're not reading her blog, you're not living. Or luving.

The rules are simple: 

"Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!"

I've never been one for discretion, so naturally this is right up my alley.... and I normally don't allow things up my alley. My alley is an exit only... wow already TMI and I haven't even begun telling my story...

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Momma Said Knock You Out...

I suck at life, for serious.

My brain has been in a haze lately... I think it's probably because I've been needing to take sleep medication on a nightly basis for a while now. I've been seriously considering cutting it off cold-turkey and just letting the natural exhaustion take over, but that usually takes... about a week.

So I decided that before taking such a drastic measure, I should try some other methods first. I decided to work out more (because anything is more than nothing, right?) and maybe... just maybe I'd be so tired that I'd pass out.

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Note to self...

This is just a quick one before my real post later. I just found this hilarious and I had to share.

So, I'm an insomniac. Maybe I'll share the full story about that another time, but truthfully it's not that interesting. I used to be able to sleep, and then I stopped. End of story.

As a result of the insomnia I take Ambien to help me sleep. In another of my posts I mention that I occasionally make strange purchases while on Ambien, but I usually remember it later - nothing like those crazies who sleep-drive and have no idea the next day.

Also, I guess I make "To-Do" lists. I remember hopping out of bed around 12:30 last night because I thought of about a million things I needed to do and I was worried that I'd forget one of them, so I wanted to write them down.

This morning, I emerged from my bedroom to see a little yellow notepad sitting on the coffee table. I reviewed my list for today... mostly normal stuff - Send an email, return a phone call...etc. Then about half way down the list, I read one item that just makes me stop in my tracks. Hilarious.

Smack dab in the middle of my to-do list it reads:

"Go to work"

Hahaha. Because apparently I felt I needed reminding. Awesome.

I hate to admit it...

But Tyra Banks was right.

As much as Tyra Banks annoys the crap out of me... I will admit (though not proudly) that I TiVo every episode of The Tyra Show.

Recently she did an expose on the dangers of texting while driving. In this episode she also had a segment in which she discussed the top 10 most dangerous foods to eat while driving. I looked for the full list online, but I was unable to locate it, but I will share with you what I remember.

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Scattered Thoughts - Dumb Birds

So I've been a bad little blogger as of late. Life and my day job got the better of me. Damn you, real job! But in the past few days I've had the opportunity to do a lot of tangential thinking, and as a result I present you with Scattered Thoughts. I need to come up with a better title for postings like this, because I have a feeling that my future is filled with Scattered Thoughts topics. Why? Because that's just the way my brain works... most of the time. Suggestions welcome. Ready? Go.

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I've been M.I.A. the last few days, I know. I've been very busy making an indentation in my couch with my butt. And building puzzles with R. Yes, puzzles. Chicago temperatures have been "freeze your snot in your nose" cold, so we have been hiding out at home for the long weekend.

New Year's Eve was fun, and went off without a hitch... mostly. R made dinner reservations and said he would drive us to and from dinner. I thought about mentioning that we might have a difficult time finding parking when we got home, since we live about 3 blocks from Wrigley field right smack dab in the middle between all the Wrigleyville bars on Clark St. and all the Boystown bars on Halsted. I pushed the thought out of my mind, figuring that even on the busiest summer Saturday night, the farthest we've ever had to park from our house is about 2 blocks. Not a big deal. So we went to dinner and had delicious Sushi at Shiso followed up with a delicious fried tempura green tea ice cream. It was f-f-f-f-freezing when we left dinner, but we cranked the heat in the car and drove home. We arrived back in our hood at about 8:30 and we circled our block once to see that there was no parking on our block, so R, being the gentleman that he is dropped me off at the house since I was A: wearing a dress, and B: wearing 7 inch heels. Good boyfriend, rack up those brownie points before the end of 2009.

Once I got in the comfort of our own apartment I immediately kicked off my heels and changed from a dress to R's giant man-sweatpants (even though he had nicely laid out my own pink and white girl's PJ pants) and a t-shirt. I seize any opportunity to shed my fancy duds. Maybe it's because my party clothes are so binding. Anyone? Anyone? Clueless? Moving on.

I settled on the couch, waiting for R to return from parking the car and got distracted by the old school Twilight Zone episodes on our DVR (I think we had like 38 episodes recorded from the NYE marathon). Losing track of time, it was about 2.5 episodes in that I realized R still hadn't returned from parking the car... it was now 10:00. I got worried, but a minute later I finally received a text from R.

R: "This is insanity."
T: "Can I do anything?"
R: "Be superhuman and throw cars to the side."
T: "Raaagggghhhhh" (I think this was supposed to be my impression of me Hulking out and throwing cars)
R: "This is crazy. I even went up to our old apt... nothing" (Our old apartment, in normal weather isn't THAT far... maybe a mile North and East of our place now, but in sub-zero temperatures it might as well be 300 miles.)
T: "Oh man. Do you want company?"
R: "I would."
T: "Come get me."

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White Girls Can't Dance

Let me preface this by saying, I have always been fully aware of my lack of coordination (and thus my inability to participate in team sports and the reason I took up running in the first place - anyone can run. It's just really fast walking). I am not exactly what you would call graceful... in fact I am probably the only person I know who can go to sit on the couch only to end up bouncing off a cushion and skinning my knee on the sisal rug. But I digress.

Not only do I lack grace, but I have a penchant for breaking expensive things. You'd be a fool to leave your laptop plugged in anywhere that might cross my path, as there is a 100% chance that I will trip over the cord, knocking your laptop to the floor. Luckily my sexy new MacBook Pro comes with a safety feature made especially for people like me - the AC power source is magnetized to the inlet on the computer, but quickly and easily becomes detached if the cord is yanked. So... trip over your cord? No problem. Your MacBook Pro will be unphased. Just like the glass of wine in the Tempurpedic commercials. We may not be able to say the same of your bodily person, but... as long as the computer is safe, right? (I do not work for Apple, by the way. I just really like my MacBook)

Anyway, my MacBook is fairly new, maybe a month old... I had to purchase said MacBook as a replacement for my old PC laptop, which had the misfortune of belonging to me and as a result fell victim to my clumsy hands.

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Baby's First Blog

As I approach my late twenties (Ouch, seriously?), I find myself reflecting on the "good old days."

A bit of history: as a kid, probably until high school, I was PAINFULLY shy. I'm sure there were a number of people who thought I was mute, because I just I never said anything. Ever. (Good luck trying to get me to shut up now.) That didn't mean that my still maturing brain wasn't bouncing with thoughts. Deep thoughts. In fact, recently while at my parents' house on Christmas Eve I was able to unearth my old diaries spanning the years 1992-1999. Or ages 9-16. Reading through them, R (the boyfriend) and I were laughing so hard.... I'm talking gasping for air, pounding fists on the floor, tears streaming kind of hard. I knew right then and there that the world had to read this. And thus was born my Baby Blog. Or rather, as I like to think of it... my adult, online diary! YAY! So over the next several days, weeks, months (however long it takes) I will be publishing the highlights of my childhood diaries. Baring my soul for all to see, and to laugh at. The entries will be transcribed as-is, no changes to correct spelling or grammar, however names have been changed to protect the innocent.

These entries will be accompanied by my present day thoughts, comments, explanations in italics.

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