Monday, February 8, 2010

I Should Be Dead: In Which I Am An Insensitive A-Hole

I am currently engrossed in a marathon of "I Survived" on the Biography Channel. The concept is similar to that of the show, "I Shouldn't Be Alive" on the Discovery Channel. R keeps telling me that he thinks the show should be titled "I Should Be Dead," but he's wrong. 4 out of 5 Doctors agree.

I don't think there is much of difference between "I Survived" and "I Shouldn't Be Alive," except for the crazy-awesome reenactments of the traumatic events.

It's kind of like a car wreck or a gory movie - you want to look away, but you can't. In one episode, "Trapped in a Canyon," they show a reenactment of adventure racer, Danelle Ballengee's story.

While running in the canyon she slips and falls down three drops of 10 to 20 feet, eventually landing feet first, shattering the bones in her legs and her pelvis. They repeated that shattering pelvis scene probably 10 times - they love to do that, replay the most gruesome scene over. And over. And over. And every time I see it I throw up in my mouth a little bit. And yet, somehow I find myself continuing to watch. It's like drugs. Don't even get me started on Intervention and Hoarders or this could take a while.
I looked for a clip of the shattering pelvis, but I was unable to find one. I did, however, find this:

Awesome. Where were we before YouTube was invented?

Anyway, so the set-up of this episode of "I Survived" is that a locomotive pulling cars full of gasoline fails to make it up and over a hill, at which point the cars become disconnected and are now coming back down the hill, quickly gaining speed toward a stockyard full of cars containing chlorine and other dangerous chemicals. If they collide, there will be a huge explosion and will kill all the people in the city near the stockyard. It's up to the worker, Ryan, to jump onto the gasoline cars and pull the handbrake. While the cars travel at high speed. And while they are covered in ice (it's winter). And if he fails? Well, boom goes the dynamite. No pressure, or anything.

I tried explaining this to R, but like I've said before - my writing skills far outweigh my verbal skills. My explanation went something like this:

R: So, what is this guy's job exactly?
T: When the trains come in he's supposed to take the thing from the other thing and connect it to the locomotive to take it over the hill.
R: .....
T: Whatever. Bottom line, it's like "The Little Engine That Could", but it couldn't.

Sensitivity. It's not for everyone.

But anyway, while on the topic of near death experiences - has anyone ever had one? I'd love to hear stories so I can be completely insensitive to your plight.

Ok, cats and kitties, it's that time again. And as a special treat, a I am serving up a double helping of Dear Diary! (Don't worry, it's fat free).


Omigod! I think Kenny Mitchell is hitting on me! You know he does this thing to Cassiee, he goes Cassie, Cassie, Cassie! really fast in a weird voice and it drives her nuts! Jezz! Well, anyway I bet you're wondering what this has to do with me well, he tried to do that to my name like this: [Redacted], but he couldn't get it right because it's like a tongue twister! And then he gave me that incredibly toothy, goofy, wierd, Huck Finn like grin. Okay now to Peter Williams. He's so cute! In the prayer service there was only one songbook left so he shared with me! Aurghhhh! I love him soooo! I'm getting tired so Good Night! [Insert here a small drawing of a Good Year tire - I guess to go with the "Good Night?"]

[Insert drawing of 3 hearts: inside each of the hearts is my initials, a plus sign, and the initials of Kenny Mitchell, Peter Williams, and Zachary Smith. The Kenny Mitchell and Peter Williams hearts are X-ed out]


We haven't heard anything about Zachary Smith in quite some time, so it's nice to see his reappearance. Evidently I was a crush slut, but I always held a special place in my slutty heart for Zachary Smith. Also? I think it's awesome that sharing a songbook during a prayer service is a clear signal from Peter Williams that he reciprocates my feelings. Those were simpler times. Now if a boy shares his songbook with you, it's only because he wants to get into your pants. And that makes me sad. Oh and as a final note, as it will be relevant to the next post - each exclamation point in this entry is done in bubble-letter font.


Dear Dowry Dairy Diary named Sassafrass! Yay! I finally got it right! I guess you've noticed I've gone back to normal exclamation points. My mom and my brother are having a fight (again!) Sheesh! (or Gee Whilikers as P.W. would say) Oh! About Kenny, he kept saying wierd things to me he even serenaded me with a song of "You make me feel like a natural woman" Hee, Hee, and Hee. Hees so weird! Wait I spelled He's wrong. No I'm just bein wierd again. Yay! On the radio they're playing Bush "Everything Zen" Rain Dogs Howl for the century! Hoooooooooooow (Happy Hundreth New year) Whew! I can take a breath now. Peter Williams is so cute. I love em! Today in church he shook my hand! Omigod! Lisen Sassafras I'm tired so Good Night! [Last exclamation point in bubble font]
[Insert small drawing of the Good Year tire again.]

P.S I thought it would be nice to end the entry with a special exclamation point and make that two --> ! [Bubble Font]
[Insert Smiley Face Drawing]

Wow. There is so much comedy gold in this entry. I barely even know where to start. Let's start at the beginning shall we? Being the master wordsmith that I was in 1995, I thought it was very clever to "mistakenly" use the words "Dowry" and "Dairy" in place of "Diary." You had me fooled for a minute - thinking you really didn't know the spelling of the word "Diary." You sly minx, you.

Gee Whilikers. I used to have a crush on someone who said, "Gee Whilikers" as a part of his normal daily vocabulary. Let that sit with you for a minute. Gee Whilikers. I don't think there is anything more to say about this.

And wow, another misspelling of a fairly simple word? Hees = He's? Oh no, I'm just bein weird again. Yay!

Bush - Sixteen Stone was the first CD that I ever owned. I listened to it non-stop for maybe 6 months. And to this day, I really have no idea what they meant by the line "Rain dogs howl for the century," but in 1995, my interpretation of this line was quite literal: A pack of dogs howling in the rain for 100 years without taking a breath. That is more awesome than anything I could make up today. Awesome.

Ok, well that's all for tonight - I am proud of myself for managing to keep this post at a semi-normal length. I've peeked ahead at the next few entries. They're pretty good, no lies. See ya 'round kiddos!


Template designed using TrixTG