TMI Thursday 2/4/2009

Hello, everyone! I've been wanting to participate in LiLu's TMI Thursday for a few weeks now, but I could never come up with anything good. This week, I am confident that my "TMI Thursday" entry will shock, appall, alienate, and scare off any current/potential readers. Yay, it's going to be FUN!

Without further ado, I present my very first TMI Thursday entry. Let's hope that this is just the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Ok, so when I was a little girl, maybe 6 or 7, I was wandering the neighborhood as I was wont to do. See, that's the thing that sucks about kids having to grow up in this day and age - parents are all weird and protective now. I mean when I was a kid and the weather was nice, I'd leave the house and wander the neighborhood with my little friends all day long. Often times in the alley. By ourselves. Near rusty nails. And used condoms. And crack pipes and hypodermic needles. (To be fair, the only thing on that list to be found in our alley was rusty nails. And crack pipes. Just kidding. Or am I?) I did shit like that all the time and my parents never said anything, asked where I was going, checked between my toes for needle marks... way to go, parents, this actually answers a lot of questions.

So, anyway, my little friend and I were wandering the alley. We took a different route than normal and ended up at a Church with a small parking lot under an overhang. It seemed like a good, shady place to sit for a little and take a load off. Literally.

We sat in the empty parking lot for a while, chit chatting about My Little Ponies or Play Doh or something. At that moment, we had a brilliant idea.

We should poop in the church parking lot!

Why yes, why didn't we ever think of that before?

So we each took a turn popping a squat behind one of the concrete pylons and... just pooped.

Then, we left. I'm pretty sure I earned myself a 1 way ticket to hell. Who poops in a Church parking lot, of all places? Didn't I know that Jesus is in many ways much like Santa Claus? I mean they are both pretty much the most famous Christmas mascots and he see's you when you're sleeping! He knows when you're awake. He knows you're gonna poop in the church parking lot so don't poop for goodness sake.

If that isn't embarrassing enough for my first TMI Thursday, I will provide a little nibblet of embarrassment from my current daily life.

Today I made stuffed green peppers with wild rice and quinoa.

If you don't know what quinoa is, it's a grain similar to couscous. Each piece is incredibly small. And I am not a clean eater.

Naturally, I ended up with quinoa all up in my business. On my shirt, on the floor, everywhere around me. We ate at the coffee table because we were into this really interesting and mentally stimulating documentary on the National Geographic channel... Ok, it was Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo, are you happy?

So after we cleared the plates I decided to lay down on the couch. I felt something cold on my backside. What is that? Yes, it's multiple pieces of quinoa. In my upper butt-crack.

Can someone explain to me how that happens???

Alright, so that's my TMI Thursday. Now on to "Dear Diary" for today.

Also, today I am going to try something different with my "Dear Diary." Instead of adding my notes in paragraph form at the end of the entry, I am going to attempt footnotes corresponding to each part that I find particularly hilarious. Let me know what you think.

March 23, 1995

Dear Sassafrass,

I really sorry 1 I didn't write to you in a long time I've just been very, very busy 2. Let me fill you in on the latest. Okay First of all I got a CD player! Wooo! You know those CD order things I ordered 10 CD's for 1 cent another CD for $6. something or another and I got another CD free! 3

Next me & Alicia are Friends. 4 A Okay sister! Next me & Lindsey are Friends. A Okay sister! 5 Next In 2 days are tryouts for soft ball. next I want to draw for you. I made these people up okay!! 6

[Insert drawing of a girl wearing a short skirt, sweater baby-tee, and knee high Doc Martins with each article of clothing labelled accordingly] 7

Next Diary I like Peter Williams! He's so cute! Le sigh! 8 He's got those bright brown eyes and Ahhh! Next, I cut my bangs! Next I'm finally 5 feet tall! 9 I got a nightgown for Christmas and it was down to my ankles now it's up to my shins!? What's goin on here? 10

Sassafrass, I've got Laryngitis, a sore throat, and a bad cough! I'm falling apart! I'm tired so I'm gonna turn in. 11 Again I'm really sorry I didn't write earlier Okay? Comprende? Okay. Good. Bye! Adios! I talk too much don't I? Chow! 12 See ya later! Not if I see you first!13 Bye!

1. As you can plainly see, I continue to butcher the English language. I really sorry to my readers for having to read bad grammar.

2. Not again with the very, very's. Didn't we already cover that?

3. I remember - my very first CD was Bush Sixteen Stone. And it was brand new. How old am I???

4. We'll see how long this lasts.

5. Where did I get this phrase, "A Okay sister?" I'm such a dork.

6. Apparently I need to clarify, to my inanimate diary, that the drawings I made are not real people. Ooookaay.

7. Hahaha, sweater baby-tees and knee high Doc Martens. That was the style at the time. Awesome. I need to find myself some knee high Doc Martens now. Oh wait, I found them!

8. Le Sigh: Credit given to Pepe Le Pew of Looney Toons for this phrase. How cool am I?

9. Yes, finally being 5 feet tall was apparently a very big deal to me. Big enough to have me write about it in my diary. Right up there with bowel movements and invented people.

10. It's called a growth spurt, kid. And it won't be the last.

11. Turn in? Turn into what? Ba dum-bum ching!

12. Apparently I'm multi-lingual now. And hungry.

13. I have no original material.

Okay, thoughts? Feelings? I'm not totally sold on the footnotes, seems like there are fewer opportunities to be funny when its footnoted. But I appreciate feedback and suggestions!

Until tomorrow, my friends, I very, very sorry I didn't write so much last week. I was busy being an insomniac and working on my new layout.