The Usual Suspects

I'll attempt to make this brief... or as brief as my verbosity will allow.

Today, I got an email from photobucket.com regarding my photobucket account. Wait, I have a photobucket account?

Kinda scared, I logged in with my typical username/password combo, and I'm in. I only had to look at it to recognize it. Back in the olden days, when we had to walk to school up hill both ways and real life was in black and white or sepia tones, when facebook, or "the book" as I occasionally call it, was still in it's infancy and people were forced to use primitive technology to share their digital photos: via email or by posting them on a photo sharing site.

Most of the pictures were from various sorority events in college with a smattering here and there of high school photos that I had scanned in. Since I forgot that I even had this account, and none of these pictures were posted on facebook (yet), finding it was a wonderful surprise, much like finding $20 in a pocket of a garment you haven't worn in a while. Looking through those photos took me on a trip down memory lane.

Now, many of my memories from college are... blurry... at best. This has absolutely nothing to do with underage drinking... because I totally never did that. I totally waited until I was 21. And then I even waited longer... right. Okay, let's move on, shall we?

Like I was saying, my memories aren't as clear as they could be... so these pictures were a veritable "Forensic Files" of my college years. I was able to put together the clues, even without blood spatter evidence or finger prints and I noticed a few trends...

Here's the suspect's wrap sheet:

Age: 18-21

Height/Weight: 5'7"/fluctuates between 130-150 depending on how much drinking she did that semester

Hair Color: Over-processed blonde

Race: Undetermined. The suspect could be any number of ethnicities. It is impossible to tell, as her skin is a shade of radio-active orange tan.

- She likes beer.

- She enjoys licking her friend's faces. She was witnessed licking the face of our mole, L.M. While under the influence, our suspect said, "Your make up tastes baaaaad!" to which our mole responded, "Um. Maybe don't lick my face, then?"

- When she isn't licking her friends' faces, she enjoys making faces at the camera and sticking her tongue out in the most grotesque manner possible. She has been incredibly elusive due to the numerous botched mug shots.

Mugshots courtesy of SmokingGun.com

- She likes to dance on top of things. A lot. Tables. Bars. Chairs. Counters. You name it, she dances on top of it. In casual settings, in front of entire bars full of people... at formal dinner dances... yeah, she went there.

- She has a lot of clothes. All of which are either some designer label or from Abercrombie & Fitch. She even has a job at A&F to support her shopping habit. With her massive wardrobe, she is able to clothe several of her friends. She was photographed multiple times on a trip to Mexico with 3 accomplices, most likely for a drug trafficking ring. All 3 accomplices are dressed in her clothing. We believe this is a decoy to throw the authorities off of her track.

- If there is a novelty oversized object, say... a 6 foot tall Corona Bottle at Hooters, she is humping it.

- She molests many of her accomplices. Nary a picture is seen of the suspect without her hand groping a boob or licking a face. Why does she even have friends?

- She is a master beeramid architect. These skills most likely aided her in the great "Orange Traffic Horse" heist of 2001.

- She is tanorexic. Our undercover detective witnessed the suspect visiting a tanning salon 6 days a week. When the salon's records were pulled we found that she spent 20 minutes in a tanning bed 5 days a week and 1 day in the Mystic Tan booth each week. Despite being Oompa Loompa orange, glow in the dark, tan she has been overheard saying, "Ugh. I am so white." We believe she may be in cahoots with the Jersey Shore cast.

- She carries a Coach purse 100% of the time. She's kind of a label whore.

- Our Psychoanalyst Detective has come to the following conclusion about the suspect. She is a party girl. She parties hard, and it shows. It seems as though she has little to no recollection of the ungodly acts she partakes in each night. She is incredibly intelligent, but she has her head in the clouds. She suffers from a high degree of anxiety, leading to panic attacks and outward manifestations of aggression. She seems like an overall decent human being, but she is somewhat naive: oblivious to the happenings in the world around her and the value of a dollar.

College was so fun, but I was placed in a Witness Protection Program (aka Grad School) and I reemerged as a totally different person. Some things are still the same. In many ways there are still shades of that 20 year old girl humping the Corona Bottle on top of a table, dancing to "Baby Got Back." I suppose those shades would have an orange/tan undertone. But thinking back to that person, and it really is like two completely different people. I almost can't make a comparison. It's like comparing apples and oranges... hahaha.

I still like beer and Coach purses, I still make ugly faces in photos, and I still have way too many clothes - I donated 4 over-sized hefty bags full of clothes and shoes last spring and I still have no room in my closet. I even started another closet overhaul a few days ago. My closet looks like the homes of those people on Hoarders. It's a vicious cycle donate, shop, donate, shop...

So, what qualities and habits make Simply T, Simply T? Stuff that 18-22 year old Simply T never thought twice about?

- I don't tan.

- I am not sure I believe in the institute of marriage and if I do get married so that little Johnny or Susie doesn't have to explain why he/she is a bastard, I'm really not sure I want a wedding. At least not in the traditional sense. Back then I was obsessed with the idea of getting married. I would frequently build my own engagement ring online like a total creep.

- I'm socially conscious. I listen to NPR, I try to recycle, if R and I do marry one day, I will accept an engagement ring with the only stipulations being that it is comprised of conflict-free gems and reused metals. 4 months ago I began my journey towards being a vegetarian. I cut out beef, pork, poultry, and eggs. I continued to eat fish and dairy, but around New Years I gave up fish. Goodbye sushi :( And as of 2 weeks ago I decided that I'd like my diet to be as close to a vegan diet as possible, so I said bye-bye to dairy, with the exception of cheese. Cheese will be the most difficult thing. (R is from Wisconsin... think about that). I think that I would eventually like to be on a fully vegan diet some day, hopefully soon, but it's still a work in progress.

- The T of about age 19 had her head up in the clouds. If she couldn't see it, it wasn't happening. I spent a lot of money on leather goods, which I will continue to use until they have been fully used, at which point I will replace them with kinder alternatives. Knowing what I know now... I am ashamed to say that at one point I deeply coveted this Coach purse with genuine fur trim. Like I said, if I couldn't see it, it wasn't happening. My eyes are open now, and the only thing I see when I look at real fur are all the videos I have seen regarding the cruelty of the fur trade.

- In regard to spending money - I am a cheapskate. It's funny how easy it is to spend your parents' money without a second thought. $150 sunglasses, $200 purses and haircuts/highlites, millions of pairs of shoes, more accessories than you could shake a stick at. All in the name of looking good. Now? I still look awesome. Actually, maybe even more awesome. Like I said, I dyed my hair back to my God-given dark brown locks and cut my bangs across bluntly and took on a little bit more "edgy look" than I sported in college. I touch it up every 8-10 weeks with a box of $7 dye from Walgreens and my hair looks 1 trillion times more healthy than it ever did with all the blonde-ness I had going on.

As a cheap ass, I refuse to throw something away/replace it unless it is absolutely falling apart. R bought me a new hair dryer for Christmas because my old one (I think it lasted an astounding 7 years - R.I.P., my friend) would only work when you held the cord a certain way, and the fan cover had fallen off, so you ran the risk of your hair getting caught up in the fan. 3 days before Christmas, the thing just died (I think it was sabotaged. Trust no one.), so R gave me my present early and I begrudgingly accepted (but not before trying to fix my old one).

- I no longer feel compelled to plan out every minute of every day for the next 10 years of my life. I now carry the attitude of letting things take their course. I still believe that you have to be proactive to make things happen for yourself, but I don't stress unnecessarily about them. Some things you just can't change. Back then, I was... a little bit uptight. I was a nervous wreck. I had multiple panic attacks and I often manifested my chronic anxiety through aggression. So, I was kind of a bitch. Now, I have my anxiety under control and I'm still kind of a bitch... just in a different way. I'm more confident, so I tell people how it is, even if it isn't exactly what they want to hear. I've replaced aggression with sarcasm and snark. And if I don't like you... you know. That's something that hasn't changed - I wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I find you to be horrible and disgusting, chances are I am making some facial expression to convey that feeling. Not my best quality, but I'm working on it.

So, reflecting back on that bubbleheaded kid to the awesome chick I am today, I don't have any regrets. It was all a part of my journey down the path to where I am today. And sometimes you really can't appreciate your own betterment if you never F-ed up in the past. So here I am, a product of my past. Where will I go from here? I guess only time will tell.

Okay so that was really long. And super deep. I promise it won't happen again (the deep part, not the length, by now you know I can't help it). It is now time for something light, fluffy, nutritious, delicious, and totally frivolous. It's time for Dear Diary! Yay!!!

I wasn't really a fan of the footnotes last time... I felt like it restricted my hilarity. So I think for now I will go back to paragraphs at the end of each entry. Here goes...

Apr. 28, 95

Boy Sassafrass, am I in a jam! I am in a big pickle! Help! I'm turning green! Green with envy. Hee hee hee! Oh Sassafrass what am I going to do. Cassie and Lindsey had a fight and I talked to Cassie and I kinda sorta in a way took her side. But you see the problem is I want to be Lindseys friend too. Aurghhhh! Well enough screaming. You know Peter williams is so funny, and so cute! I went to Florida over Easter vacation! I got a tan! I saw N (my baby bro) Man I am happy right now. Sassafrass I am sincerely sorry for not writing to you for a long time. Anyway I am tired so goodnight Sassa. Chow! Adios!

*Domo For listening to me babble for so long

Comprende

Bye! Bye!

*means thank you in chinese picked it up from Full house!

First, I feel that it is worth mentioning that every time you see an exclamation point in this entry, it is dotted with a heart. Naturally. Also, every lesson worth learning can be learned from Full House, even if you recall the information erroneously. Domo = Japanese, not Chinese. I even remember which episode it was. It was when Jesse hit it big (PS - did anyone notice that Jesse Katsopolis used to be Jesse Cochran? Weird.) and went on an international tour. He did a show in Japan, and dressed as Elvis he says, "Domo. Domo very much." Apparently I liked that so much that it's stuck with me to this day.

Lastly, reading these entries, I become gradually more aware of the reason I had no friends. I was a dork, I occasionally talked in idioms such as "in a jam" or "in a pickle," and I made really lame puns. "I'm in a pickle. Help, I'm turning green. Green with envy" may as well have been Mike Myers as Austin Powers crying, "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell..." Good shit. That writing style led me down the path to my writing style today, which may be a good or bad thing depending on your opinion of my blog. I'll just go ahead and assume its good.

Okay, well Domo to my blog readers for listening to me babble for so long! Til next time...