Thursday, January 14, 2010

Because Every Entry I Post Has to Reference The Jersey Shore

So, tonight I was watching the latest episode of The Jersey Shore with R. The opening credits feature a 2 or 3 second shot of each cast member with their name flashed across the screen. The usual suspects... Snookie, JWowww, The Situation, Sammi (The Sweetheart) - btw why does everyone on the Jersey Shore have a nickname? You may now call me TWowww. Anyway, they got to Angelina (Jolie as they called her on the show) and I looked over at R.

"I haven't seen Angelina in a few episodes. Where is she?"

"You're right, I haven't seen her either. That's weird."

So I hopped on google. Yes, I googled. I typed in "Where is Angelina from the Jersey Shore?"
The first article produced on the search list was this one: Jersey Shore's Angelina Leaves Show

So apparently she's been gone since early December. And neither R nor I took notice (and apparently we both missed the part where she packed up and moved out.)

It got me thinking about how every reality TV show cast always has to have the same band of merry men.

Recipe for A Good Reality TV Show

The Bitch (female) - Think "The Apprentice's" Omarosa, "Project Runway's" Wendy Pepper and Zulema, "The Real World's" Coral and Beth and "Jersey Shore's"Jeni aka J-Wowww."

The A-Hole (male) - "Top Chef's" Stephen and Ilan, "Project Runway's" Jeffrey, "The Real World's" Puck (Yes I am old enough to remember Puck, how sad,) and "Jersey Shore's" Mike aka The Situation.

The Slut (female) - "The Real World's" Trishelle, "Rock of Love 1, 2, and Rock of Love Bus" Entire cast, "Jersey Shore's" Jeni aka J-Wowww (Sorry, J-Wowww you make both categories.)

The Man-Whore (male) - "Real Housewives of the OC's" Slade, "Rock of Love's" Brett Michaels, Any of the ABC's Bachelors, "The Hills'" Brody Jenner, and "Jersey Shore's" Pauly D.

The Couple - "The Real World's" Ace and Mallory, "Top Chef's" Leah and Hosea, and "Jersey Shore's" Ronnie and Sammi.

The Bubblehead - "Real Chance of Love and Charm School's" Bianca aka Bubbles, "The Hills'" Audrina, "Beauty and the Geek, Rock of Love, I Love Money, Charm School, and Megan Wants A Millionaire's" Megan, and "Jersey Shore's" Snookie (bubblehead or not, I love the girl.)

The Invisible One - "Project Runway's" Keith.... Who?, "Top Chef's" Candice... Who? and "Jersey Shore's" Angelina... again, who? I didn't even notice Angelina's departure, and I had to Wikipedia past seasons of reality shows to find the others who "fly under the radar," which is actually a pretty effective strategy in competitive reality shows. You don't have to be outstanding, just better than those who really suck.

Mix all the ingredients in one house, add a dash of sexual frustration, a pinch of drama, and a generous handful of violence.

So that's the recipe for a successful reality TV show, in case you want to have one of your own (I know, I do).

And now for "Dear Diary"

January 6, 95

Dear Sassafrass, Today I have a basketball game. This sucks. Anyway I'm back. I was late so I didn't get to the game. Oh well. Cassie's being nice. Wow! Guess what Nine inch Nails is on the radio or at least I think it is. Oh oops! The song's over it's not Nine inch Nails it's Nirvana. I was close I knew it started with an N. I'm so lonely sassafrass. You're really the only one I can trust with my secrets. All the girls at school who knew my secrets told them all. Oh, what jerks. All of them. They all hate me. I don't know why though. In the play the Odessey I didn't get any part in the book I get to be the musician, and Demeter a short speech and two songs a sad one and a happy one. Ooh such a big part. Mandy got Athena and Lindsey (the jerk) got Penelope the only roles I tried out for. I really wanted one of those parts. Oh, poooooo! I wish I had gotten one of those parts!!!!!!!!!! So sassafrass nothing else happened except we took a test and I think I got 100%. Or at least I hope so. But right now I'm getting sleepy since it's around 11:00 p.m. so sassafrass stay locked and don't let anyone read my secrets. Til next time Sassafrass goodnight!!!!!!! P.S. I got Nine inch Nail tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you know that I got Nine Inch Nail tickets? No? Well I got Nine Inch Nails when I was in 6th grade. And I must have been a huge fan, since I couldn't discern a Nine Inch Nails song from one by Nirvana. Because they sound so much alike. Ha.

So, apparently I'm a really sore loser when I lose the part I want to Lindsey (the jerk). So much so, that it makes me use an excessive number of exclamation points.

And the test that I thought I got a 100% on? Was a test about Greek mythology, which was an area of knowledge I felt very comfortable with. I remember being all impressed with myself that I was a Greek Mythology expert, not stopping to think for a second that knowing everything about Greek Mythology at the age of 12 doesn't really make you cool.

How did I know so much about Greek Mythology? Well, when I was a kid, I would always request a bed time story from our giant Atlas of Greek Mythology instead of "Berenstein Bears" or "Paddington Bear" (Though to be fair, I did ask my parents to read me these - just not as often.)

As a result, by age 9 I knew every Greek myth by heart, which did not serve to make me popular with the other kids. My unpopularity might have also had something to do with the fact that I religiously listened to The Beatles and had a huge crush on Paul McCartney, while all the other kids listened to Boyz II Men. Whatever, I was just an old soul, I guess.

Anyway, there was this other kid in school, "Jared," who was just as unpopular and geeky as I was. Jared also knew a shit-ton about Greek myths. We used to carpool together, which I thought was so embarrassing, because he was such a nerd! And how could my mom ruin my chances at having friends by making me carpool with him? My mother also always believed in her heart of hearts that Jared and I were meant to be. She couldn't have been more wrong.

When we got the results of our Greek mythology test, Jared was sure he had gotten a better score than I did. We were very competitive in our quest to be the biggest. nerd. ever. The teacher stood up in front of the class and said that overall, we did pretty well on the test, but one person did exceptionally well. One person, only one, got 100% on the test. Just as she was about to announce it, Jared looked at me smugly.

"The person who received a perfect score is T," she said as she handed my test back to me.

Now it was my turn to give a smug look. He got a 99%. He actually threw his hands toward the sky and screamed. I've never seen him look so red (and the kid turned red quite frequently.)

So goodnight my little Zeuses and Athenas. Until tomorrow when Helios drives his chariot across the sky once more.


In my world I ROCK said...

I am a reality show fanatic- and I don't understand why, I think they are ridiculous yet I can't help but DVR most of them (I want to be on the Real World, if I ever get on I will flash frequent winks at the camera so you know it is me lol).
I see the name Sassafrass stuck. Nice. I think lol.

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