Scattered Thoughts - Who IS Burt??

I have no central theme for today's post, but I'm thinking if I just start writing, one will emerge. So, I guess this is the best representation of how my brain is working.... in real time. Blogging Freestyle, as another blogger put it. Ready? Go.

I really like Activia yogurt, but whenever I eat it I feel like I'm sending a message to onlookers that I am constipated.

Yesterday, I was driving in my car. I had to blow my nose, but I had no tissues - so I used an alcohol swab. Note to self: Buy Kleenex.

I love dogs. So much, in fact, that if a sketchy looking man pulled up in an unmarked van and told me to get in because there was a box full of puppies in the back, I probably would. No. No. I definitely would.

Speaking of dogs, I saw one on the street today wearing a sweater and duct-tape booties. They probably weren't really duct tape, but that's what it looked like to me. Not like he had a tape-leg or anything. It was really cute, but somehow I feel like dogs are humiliated when humans dress them up. R bought some Grip Trex Bark'n Boots for A to keep his paws protected from the snow and salt. A will tolerate them, but he high steps like a baby deer on ice (Deer on Ice! Coming soon to Madison Square Garden!) and hangs his head like he is so sad that he is wearing these ridiculous booties. But he just looks so cuuuuute!

Sometimes, we put a T-shirt on A during thunder storms, since he trembles and tries to hide in the closet in fear. We read somewhere that the t-shirt "hugs" the dog and makes them feel safe, thus quelling their fear of thunder. I have yet to see any results, but he looks pretty damn cute wearing a Sigma Chi Derby Days T-shirt. Heh.

Who is this Burt guy and where does he keep all of his bees? You've heard that all the bees are disappearing, right? That seemed to start around the same time that Burt's Bees products started going mainstream. Coincidence? I think not.

My dog, A, will eat anything if you toss it in the air for him to catch it. He will also eat random items off the ground and the floor.

Found: Last piece of popcorn chicken in Wrigleyville. Will return to you in about.... 24 hours. Please call and provide a detailed description of the popcorn chicken so we can ensure that we are returning it to the rightful owner.

Anyway, he eats all kinds of crap (a few times, literally, crap - I caught him eating a frozen turd when we lived in STL) without even checking it out, but when I offer him treats by hand, he always sniffs them for like 10 minutes straight, making sure it's something safe and desirable to eat. Someone explain that to me.

I went to Walgreens recently to fill a prescription. They asked if I wanted to wait. I needed the medication before the next day and didn't feel like going home and coming back, so I said that I would wait. They said it would be about 15 minutes. Ok, so I wandered around the store browsing until my prescription was filled. In that 15 minutes I picked up a box of hair dye, sinus cold medication, a puzzle, 2 candles, and a Burt's Bees pomegranate lip gloss (See? That Burt guy is everywhere. Excuse me, Burt? Did I invite you to my BBQ? No? Then why are you all up in my grill?) I ended up spending $80 while waiting for a $20 prescription. I started thinking to myself - all the prescriptions are filled by machine, and it's only 30 pills... shouldn't that take like 2 minutes? I think this is a conspiracy by Walgreens to get you to buy useless shit. No joke. See also: Bed Bath and Beyond, with their endless barrage of 20% off coupon mailings.

I used to dye my hair blonde. For about a year now, I'm back to my original dark brown, but I was blonde for a good 6 years. During that time, some of the dye must have seeped into my brain because while I am intelligent, I sometimes do things that make me wonder how I get through the day without a protective helmet.

Example: I went all day without realizing my black workout pants were on backwards. The same has happened with underwear - I've gone the whole day not realizing they were on inside out. Pfft.

Example: I carry a lot of things in my purse. I have a round tin of Burt's Bees cuticle cream, and a round tin of Burt's Bees original lip balm (Again with the Burt's Bees!) I have accidentally put cuticle cream on my lips instead of lip balm. Twice.

I'm an insomniac, so I take ambien to help me sleep. They warn you about doing crazy things like driving, having sex, or eating while fast asleep with no recollection of doing those things. Well, I have never done any of those things, but I have made a Peapod (online grocer) order in a mild ambien-induced haze which included: 3 bags of apples (I meant to order just 3 apples), 3 twelve-packs of pop, grapefruit juice, cranberry juice, milk, 2 bottles of sparkling grape juice, a half gallon of apple cider, and a twelve-pack of grapefruit Lacroix Pamplemousse. Pamplemousse. Isn't that a funny word? Pamplemousse. Say it over and over again. It stops making sense after a while. Well, apparently the pea-people didn't have Pamplemousse flavor in stock so they substituted with Lemon. I was gravely disappointed. Lemon is my least favorite. I would have at least chosen Lime or something.

Well, apparently I was VERY thirsty, which makes sense, because my mouth is always dry. I usually bring a bottle of water in my car while I work to quench my generally constant thirst, but yesterday I forgot. My mouth, which shall now be referred to as "The Sahara Desert," was just unbearably pasty by the end of the day. So dry and pasty, in fact, that I almost ate snow. OFF THE GROUND! No, no. I'm kidding. But really, I almost died.

While on the topic of The Sahara, aka my mouth, I have to wonder - what is up with morning breath? I brush my teeth before going to sleep, yet every morning I wake up, my mouth tasting like I licked the bottom of a dumpster. I have a conspiracy theory about this. I have a lot of these - I've become increasingly paranoid in my old age, wait till I'm 70! This is obviously a conspiracy by the toothpaste companies to get you to buy more toothpaste. My belief is that in the top-secret toothpaste laboratory, a time-released formula is added to the concoction. You brush your teeth at night. You go to bed. A few hours later, BAM. The fury of one thousand urinals is released upon your poor taste buds, causing you to wake up with that nasty taste in your mouth - thus using more toothpaste. Think about it.

In an episode of 30 Rock, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) exclaims - "Shark Farts!" Not only do I find this phrase hilarious, but it also got me thinking... do sharks fart? What does it smell like?

Remember the 7-up commercial with Brad Garrett (Robbie Barone on "Everybody Loves Raymond")? Who's reachin' out to tickle a horsey? Everyone knows it's Braaaad! Are horses ticklish? Are any animals ticklish? Can they laugh? What does it sound like?

I am scared easily. I don't like to watch scary movies because I stay up all night thinking that a mass murderer/zombie/crackhead is coming to get me. I even get scared while watching 1000 Ways to Die on Spike TV. When I was 6, I went to sleep over at a friend's house. She had a Michael J. Fox poster on her wall. When I asked her about it, she told me that at night, Alex P. Keaton comes alive and comes into the room. I got so scared that I started crying and my dad had to come pick me up....

After seeing the movie "Psycho" at a very young age, I became terrified of the shower. I only took sponge baths for about a month.

Another time, I read some information online about people who experienced spirit possessions after using a Ouija board. Apparently the Ouija board opens up the portal between this world and the next, and allows the spirits to enter our world to manipulate people, making them susceptible to possession. I didn't sleep for 2 nights. I don't even own a Ouija board. This may or may not have happened in August of 2009...

I unsubscribed from about 20 spam mailing lists. I now get twice as much spam.

I just received a message from my friend, H, on gchat. She kept her availability as "busy" so at the bottom of the chat window it reads in red letters: H is busy. You may be interrupting. Well excuuuuuuse me, gchat, but shouldn't that be up to her to decide? Being that she messaged me first and all?

H messaged me regarding bridesmaids dresses for our friend AC's wedding. (Not AC Slater. But since I already call my dog "A," I can't very well use that for her, can I?) I'm going on Monday for a fitting, and I've heard that the dress runs small. The sample is a size 10. I usually wear a size 6 or 8 for dresses, depending on the cut. The size 10 is snug on H, who is about 3 inches taller and 20 lbs lighter than I am. Meaning that I will probably have to buy a size 24 or something. That got me thinking. You've heard of the store for plus sized women, The Dress Barn? Doesn't that seem pretty mean, naming a store for larger women after a facility used to house large farm animals? Come on marketing team, I expected better of you.

Sometimes I get distracted while driving by my reflection in the rear view mirror. Am I vain? Or a borderline narcissist? I don't know, but I really love mirrors and other reflective surfaces, even if it does contribute to the pervasive thought that I need Botox between my eyebrows...

I feel like my brain has vomited enough aimless thoughts into this entry for a day. I gotta save some of my thoughts, or I will have nothing to entertain you with tomorrow.

And on to the diary entry for today:

July 27, 1994

Dear diary sorry I couldn't write to you yesterday my birthday. We stayed up all nigt the night before me Alicia Laura and Cassie. I got a tape of DJ Miko's Whats up? from m (my brother) I got a bike two stuffed lions and A Nightshirt from my mom I got a mopkin (a weird full bodied puppet thing... mine was a bright yellow cat with a bow-tie) a plaster cat (during this time I was obsessed with China Town and this kind of cat figurines) a kitty bank to keep my change in from my dad I got a base ball mitt a baseball and a base ball cap from p (my step dad - I love that I go from not being able to spell baseball, to being able to spell it, and back again.) I got bath salts a journal two bookmarks a hanker cheif and some thing that makes your drawers smell good (As in the kind in your dresser, not the kind that goes under your clothes. It was a potpourri satchel.) from Laura I got a vest from Cassie and Alicia didn't get a chance to bring me a present so shelll (She sells sea shells on the sea shore. Would the shore in question be The Jersey Shore?) bring it to me some other time (As this goes on you will see what a crappy friend "Alicia" was. This was just the tip of the iceberg. Bitch.) We watched Terminator 2 (That robot guy was really scary when he turned his arms into blades to open the elevator doors. Remember? REMEMBER?? I told you I got scared easily.) and the Ace of Base Tape that Alicia lent me. I lent her the Princes Bride because she thinks the guy is cute. Actualy I do to we watched Hot shots also Charlie Sheen is so hot!! (I'm guessing I hadn't yet seen this picture. Just sayin') I mean he just is really cute! (I think I was embarrassed at writing the word "hot" about some guy in my diary. I was embarrassed about writing the word "hot," but not about writing an entire entry about a bowel movement. Weirdo kid.)

Until next time, my friends. Stay cool.

Final thought - do you think "Burt" is really Sesame Street's Bert? He seemed like a pretty angry guy, so I could see him trying to steal all the bees.