Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I hate to admit it...

But Tyra Banks was right.

As much as Tyra Banks annoys the crap out of me... I will admit (though not proudly) that I TiVo every episode of The Tyra Show.

Recently she did an expose on the dangers of texting while driving. In this episode she also had a segment in which she discussed the top 10 most dangerous foods to eat while driving. I looked for the full list online, but I was unable to locate it, but I will share with you what I remember.

- Tacos: Yeah, this is a tough one. I spent a few years traveling the US for internships and had to drive cross country, like, 6 times in 2 years. I have tried eating pretty much everything you can imagine while on the road and tacos (slash chalupas) are not easy. You'd think they would be, since they come in their own convenient little shell, but all the lettuce and sauce starts leaking out of the sides and it's just a big 'ol mess. See also: Subway sandwiches.

- Fried Chicken: Okay, I guess I can see this one... especially if you are willing to eat tacos while driving, you probably aren't opposed to some KFC.

It's the next one that boggles my mind...

- BBQ Ribs: UM!? Who is going around eating BBQ ribs while driving? Seriously? Maybe Ron Burgundy (Ribs, I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this...) but no one I know in real life.

And the number 1 most dangerous food to consume while driving?

- Hot Coffee: Oh, shit. EVERYONE I know drinks coffee in the morning while driving. I know I do. And I suppose I see her point - you can either spill it on your lap and burn yourself or the inside of your mouth if it is too hot... but do you think she ever considered the following scenario??

Driving to work today, I had my gigantic 20 oz. cup of coffee, as per usual. On this occasion I was drinking Caribou Coffee's Breakfast Blend from my awesome Keurig coffee maker. So, while merging onto the highway, I take a sip. And then disaster strikes.

It wasn't the temperature that got me. The temperature was fine. I always leave adequate cooling time for my coffee, because I am a wimp. No, it was me that got me.

You see, lately I've been having a problem with aspirating my food/drinks - just another fancy word for letting things go down the wrong pipe. I've talked to a speech therapist that I know, and she suggested I see my MD, but I get kind of lazy with those kinds of things unless I view them as a REAL problem. I've convinced myself that these happenings are just a coincidence and it's something that happens to everyone here and there, but now it's started to happen enough that maybe I do need to see a doc.

So, anyway, I took a sip and aspirated a small amount of the coffee while the sip was still in my mouth. Holding the coffee in my mouth, I started coughing/choking and tried clearing my throat, but I wasn't able to get enough force behind the cough since my mouth was still full of delicious coffee. And I couldn't swallow because I was choking.

So - you are choking on a mouthful of delicious coffee while driving 70 mph on the highway. What do you do?

A. Calmly pull over to the side of the road and put the car in park while you take a moment to compose yourself.

B. Open the window and spit out the mouthful of coffee.

C. Completely panic. Choke for a few seconds, then projectile spit the mouthful of coffee all over the passenger side of your car.

Wanna take a guess which option I chose?

So, while I hate to admit it. Tyra Banks was right. Coffee IS dangerous. Dammit.

Next, on "Dear Diary"

January 8, 95

Sassafrass the tickets still didn't come neither did the info about the silverblades. And if the mailing is local (which both are) it's supposed to arrive the next day Hang on sassafrass I gotta get another pen.

Sorry Sassafrass that other pen was uncomfortable. It was made out of flexible plastic so it kept collapsing and it was flat and well... its too hard to describe so I'll draw it.

[Insert here my drawing of my flower shaped, flexible, plastic pen. I labeled it accordingly with each part of the flower - "rose top" indicated the bloom on the top. "Leaves" indicated...well, the leaves. And finally, the factor that motivated me to change pens, "sharp edges." I need to find a way to scan in pictures, because this is not the last drawing that will appear in my diary.]

See how annoying it was. It just drove me nuts. Ughhhh! Anyway today I went Ice skating I forgot how much fun it could be. Raul was there. He went there with a couple of friends just to eat. I mean Why didn't he just stay home and be a pig there it would be a lot cheaper I mean you have to pay to get in then pay for the food and he could have saved me and a couple of other people from a bad case of nausea from looking at him while he ate. Geese what an annoying dork. You know what I buing Cassie's shirt well after or during Catholic Schools week we'll have another roller skating party (yay!) And on the radio theres this drunk sounding guy that drones on and on and on and on and on. Sheesh you'd think he'd actually say something interesting. Ya know. Wait a minute Sassafrass. Are you sleeping!

Just kidding! ZZZZZZZ.... Wait a minute I hear you snoring you are sleeping!

Just kidding again. anyway Am I droning on and on and on and on and on. I'm not, good! Anyway Sassafrass I gotta go to bed now. Till next time Sassafrass stay locked don't let anyone read my secrets. Good night.

Okay, first of all - I was shy, and I got teased a lot, but jeez (or "geese" as I would have said at the time) I was a total bitch! All that stuff about poor Raul. He was a jerk, though.

And this business of buying "Cassie's" shirt - we had a t-shirt design contest for Catholic School's week and we had the opportunity to design the t-shirt that would be sold at school for, what I guess is like a spirit week. (Or... a Holy Spirit week?? Ba-dum bum-ching!)

I remember my design clear as day. Our school mascot was a lion, so I had a lion pouring lemonade for some kids with his tail! The line below read "We have a THIRST for knowledge!"

As you can clearly see, I always had a way with words. I don't know why they didn't choose my shirt design, I mean, hello! The lion is pouring beverages with his tail! That's like, freakin' amazing, teachers!

Anyway, yesterday I lied - apparently I did mention the Silver Blades again - but in the very same entry I mention that I went ice skating and that I haven't been long enough that I forgot how much fun it could be. And I'm waiting on information to join a club ice skating team? Get real, girl.

And the drunk guy on the radio that drones on and on and on and on and on? Hahahaha. I go from talking about a roller skating party right into this sentence. Talk about stream of consciousness writing!

And my imagined scenario in which my diary falls asleep listening to me drone on and on and on and on and on? Apparently I have not learned my lesson, since I continue to drone on and on and on and on and on....

Wait a minute, readers, are you sleeping?? I can hear you snoring, you are sleeping!

And how awesome was it that I have to explain to my inanimate diary, who I imagine has fallen asleep, that I am just kidding? Again. I'm such a jokester. I totally reminded myself of "Judy Grimes," aka the "just kidding" lady in the SNL skits.

And since this hasn't been reiterated enough - I want my diary to stay locked and keep others from reading my secrets. Geese.


Chanel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chanel said...

everything you listed, I have eaten while driving (except for bbq ribs because i HATE bbq sauce)..and the one time I got into an accident? it wasn't due to any of the above! It was because I was dancing to music and not paying attn. ugh!


Template designed using TrixTG