TMI Thursday: Bathroom Wars - Men Vs. Women

Subtitled: Who's More Disgusting?

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!**

It's Thursday, and since I deprived you of a TMI Thursday last week, I knew I was due for one this week. I struggle with deciding on the best story to share with you all on a weekly basis. So, in order to provide variety, the spice of life, to my readers I got all introspective and shit and looked back at the topics of my past TMI Thursdays - pooping in public, peeing my pants, puking all over myself.... well I think I have my bases covered in the bodily functions genre, maybe I should give you a little change of pace this week?

Okay, so this week's TMI Thursday isn't really a far cry from my past posts: it's still about bodily functions, but for once it's not about my own.

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The Helmet Chronicles

It's Monday. Again.

If you are anything like me, Garfield, Dilbert and the guy from Office Space... you may have a case of the Mondays. And we hate Mondays. I'd rather have a raging case of the herp than my weekly case of the Mondays, but yet here we are. Again. Le Sigh.

So, kids, being that we are fighting off a case of the Mondays, and laughter is the best medicine, I am giving you the rare (yeah, right) opportunity to laugh at me. It's okay, I'm laughing too, so it's really more like laughing with me.

I present to you what I am calling "The Helmet Chronicles," or more appropriately "Me vs. The World: Why I Need a Helmet to Get Through the Day."

- I have a tin of cuticle cream and a tin of lip balm in my purse. Recently, I have mistakenly put cuticle cream on my lips. Twice.

- Sometimes I get jumpy. Around Christmas, I was in Walgreens perusing the Christmas cards when a man came up behind me and started petting my hair! I got startled, ducked, then turned on him ready to give him my best right jab for thinking my pretty, shiny hair is his own personal petting zoo. And then I realized it was R. Oops.

- Another time, R was sitting on the couch. I was laying on the couch with my feet near him, looking directly at him. I watched as he touched my foot. I was so startled, I screamed.

- Occasionally, R walks into a room and says something to me. I usually scream. Is it my fault that my boyfriend is a ninja?

- Last Friday, I woke up in a rush. I had a 7:30 appointment downtown, and failed to hear my alarm since I'd stuffed it under a pillow. I woke up at 7:02. In my sleep induced haze, I tried to put nasal spray in my eyes in place of visine. Then I tried to put the orange juice away in the cups cabinet.

- I joined the website ideeli.com to scope out some sweet sales. While putting things in my cart, I failed to pay attention to the quantity and mistakenly bought 4 pairs of jeans. Anyone care to buy a pair of bootcut Antik Denim jeans, size 29, for $50? I have 3 extra pairs...

- Multiple times I've gone an entire day not realizing that my underwear was on inside out.

- Think that's bad? On more than one occasion, I've mistakenly worn my workout pants backwards for an entire day.

- While in Keystone, I brought an ACTUAL helmet. Granted, it was for Snowboarding, in case I wanted to try some jumps - I didn't end up wearing it except for in our rented condo.... and guess what? I wore it backwards. Picture below:

The WRONG Way to Wear A Helmet

The Right Way to Wear Your Helmet

Photos edited using pzap.com

- This past Saturday, I caught an episode of "Shear Genius" on Bravo. A few of the stylists created looks for their models using pin curls. I had a stroke of "Shear Genius" myself and decided to try pincurls in my own hair. My hair has a natural wave to it, but I typically flat iron it straight straight straight. See below:

My hair as per usual. I'm pretty. Pretty angry.

What I envisioned was something like this: 

  

What resulted was this:

Hot. Is this a Frizz-Ease Ad or what?

Go ahead and laugh. I did. And then I pulled it back, put on a headband and got ready for work.

Please be sure to tip your servers. I'll be here all week.

Ps - This is the closest you will get to seeing what I really look like, without actually meeting me in person and signing a contract in blood not to tell my employers what I do in my spare time. Enjoy!

TMI Thursday: There's A Reason Why I Blocked This Out Of My Memory

Hey there kids. It's Thursday, which means it's time for another TMI Thursday post for the fabulous LiLu's blog, Livit, Luvit.

Really, folks. If you're not reading her blog, you're not living. Or luving.

The rules are simple: 

"Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!"

I've never been one for discretion, so naturally this is right up my alley.... and I normally don't allow things up my alley. My alley is an exit only... wow already TMI and I haven't even begun telling my story...

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TMI Thursday 2/4/2009

Hello, everyone! I've been wanting to participate in LiLu's TMI Thursday for a few weeks now, but I could never come up with anything good. This week, I am confident that my "TMI Thursday" entry will shock, appall, alienate, and scare off any current/potential readers. Yay, it's going to be FUN!

Without further ado, I present my very first TMI Thursday entry. Let's hope that this is just the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

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I hate to admit it...

But Tyra Banks was right.

As much as Tyra Banks annoys the crap out of me... I will admit (though not proudly) that I TiVo every episode of The Tyra Show.

Recently she did an expose on the dangers of texting while driving. In this episode she also had a segment in which she discussed the top 10 most dangerous foods to eat while driving. I looked for the full list online, but I was unable to locate it, but I will share with you what I remember.

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Simply T and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day: or why I suck at life.

While at dinner with AC and MP last night, we got to discussing our friend CK's upcoming baby shower. The conversation about babies eventually turned to a discussion about our favorite childhood books.

MP was the first to bring up her favorite childhood book - Gregory, The Terrible Eater. It's a story of a young goat, who's parents want him to eat "like a real goat," including tin cans, boxes, and other garbage. But Gregory is no ordinary goat. He enjoys a diet consisting of fruits, vegetables, fish, spaghetti - you know, real food. Ultimately, Gregory and his parents must come to a compromise - Gregory will eat spaghetti with shoelaces mixed in and other various meals combining real food and trash - a perfect harmony between the diet of a "real goat" and Gregory's personal preference.

The underlying message here - don't be afraid to walk to the beat of your own drummer. And parents? Accept your kids, regardless of their personal lifestyle choices. Very progressive, Reading Rainbow.

Next, AC mentioned her favorite book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. You know this story - a kid has a really crappy day, one thing compounding on the next. He gets gum stuck in his hair, trips on a skateboard and drops his sweater into the sink filled with water. All before leaving the house.

Then at school, his bitch of a teacher, Mrs. Dickens, craps all over Alexander's self esteem - most likely damaging him for good, leading to a lifetime of psychotherapy. Who's gonna pay for that, Mrs. Dickens? Who!? Picasso over here says she doesn't like his drawing of an invisible castle (a blank sheet of paper - give the kid a break, he's creative!), she criticizes him for leaving out number 16 while counting, and tells him he sings too loudly. Like, way to call the kid out in front of his mates, lady. It's called mental abuse, you cruel, heartless wench! Where did you get your teaching degree, anyway?

Anyway, the story goes on - and poor Alexander's day gets progressively worse. Much like my day today. Today was my Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day.

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I've been M.I.A. the last few days, I know. I've been very busy making an indentation in my couch with my butt. And building puzzles with R. Yes, puzzles. Chicago temperatures have been "freeze your snot in your nose" cold, so we have been hiding out at home for the long weekend.

New Year's Eve was fun, and went off without a hitch... mostly. R made dinner reservations and said he would drive us to and from dinner. I thought about mentioning that we might have a difficult time finding parking when we got home, since we live about 3 blocks from Wrigley field right smack dab in the middle between all the Wrigleyville bars on Clark St. and all the Boystown bars on Halsted. I pushed the thought out of my mind, figuring that even on the busiest summer Saturday night, the farthest we've ever had to park from our house is about 2 blocks. Not a big deal. So we went to dinner and had delicious Sushi at Shiso followed up with a delicious fried tempura green tea ice cream. It was f-f-f-f-freezing when we left dinner, but we cranked the heat in the car and drove home. We arrived back in our hood at about 8:30 and we circled our block once to see that there was no parking on our block, so R, being the gentleman that he is dropped me off at the house since I was A: wearing a dress, and B: wearing 7 inch heels. Good boyfriend, rack up those brownie points before the end of 2009.

Once I got in the comfort of our own apartment I immediately kicked off my heels and changed from a dress to R's giant man-sweatpants (even though he had nicely laid out my own pink and white girl's PJ pants) and a t-shirt. I seize any opportunity to shed my fancy duds. Maybe it's because my party clothes are so binding. Anyone? Anyone? Clueless? Moving on.

I settled on the couch, waiting for R to return from parking the car and got distracted by the old school Twilight Zone episodes on our DVR (I think we had like 38 episodes recorded from the NYE marathon). Losing track of time, it was about 2.5 episodes in that I realized R still hadn't returned from parking the car... it was now 10:00. I got worried, but a minute later I finally received a text from R.

R: "This is insanity."
T: "Can I do anything?"
R: "Be superhuman and throw cars to the side."
T: "Raaagggghhhhh" (I think this was supposed to be my impression of me Hulking out and throwing cars)
R: "This is crazy. I even went up to our old apt... nothing" (Our old apartment, in normal weather isn't THAT far... maybe a mile North and East of our place now, but in sub-zero temperatures it might as well be 300 miles.)
T: "Oh man. Do you want company?"
R: "I would."
T: "Come get me."

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Seven Minutes

So, I spent some time thinking about what to write about for today's entry. I had some decent ideas, but nothing that really jumped out at me. I should have known... if you build it, they will come. In this instance "it" being my blog, and "they" being the topics. I don't go to the topics, the topics just come to me. Or happen to me, whatever your preference.

We're going to do this Memento style.

End Scene: "Damn you, Spin Nazi, damn you!"

How did we get from point A, just a regular tuesday to point B, the statement above? Let's start at the beginning.

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