All Ears On Me

Okay, I guess all I needed to do was say that I didn't have anything to write about to light my creative fire.

So, as I do most days, I spent a few minutes catching up on my celebrity gossip. My celeb gossip site of choice is The Superficial. Admittedly, it's gone downhill in the past few years - the writing is not quite as clever and the site is now more about models in swimsuits and bikinis than actual celebrity gossip, but it still serves its purpose.

One of the biggest stories making it's rounds right now is Heidi Montag and her amazing technicolor dream-face. Now, personally I don't think there is anything wrong with a little nip and tuck here and there (even though the show, Nip/Tuck completely blows now.... I still watch it.)

If it helps boost your self esteem a little and makes you look/feel a bit fresher and you have the available funds, then sure - go for it. But I also think that if you can't feel good about yourself without going under the knife, you'd probably be better off spending that cash on some psychotherapy. But, off my soapbox for now. Not for long.

Hopping back up on my soapbox...

Heidi underwent ten procedures in one day. From a medical standpoint, that's just plain irresponsible.

More procedures = more time = more time under anesthesia = increased chance of complications/death.

As a professional in the medical field, I know just how dangerous general anesthesia can be. I also tend to have more of a conservative standpoint when it comes to health concerns. I just can't trust a physician who would increase their patient's chances of complications... to make a buck.

Also? A surgeon who does 10 procedures on a young woman of 23 years of age? Bad, plastic surgeon, bad! Isn't plastic surgery supposed to make you look better? Younger?

Heidi currently looks like a Madame Tussaud wax-version of herself in 30 years. No joke, she is now the proud owner of the face of a middle aged Hollywood housewife.

Didn't I see you in that movie with Cher?

No, no. You're right. This guy is much better looking than Heidi. Personally, I think she looked her best here:

Think we can get our hands on one of those masks?

In her interview with People Magazine, Heidi reported that she had her chin-job because people were constantly making fun of her "Jay Leno chin." Ok, fair enough. She did have a defined jawline, but I think her chin and jaw look hu-normous, now!

But... not as hu-normous as her TRIPLE D boobies! Which, according to her... "don't look that big," and need to be super-sized again soon.

Check out her interview with Good Morning America. Laughable.

When answering the accusations that she is "addicted" to plastic surgery, she responds:

"I'm not addicted. If I were addicted I would have had... 10 plastic surgeries."

UM. Doesn't the cover of People Magazine read "10 Procedures in 1 Day?" Is the chick completely delusional?

The interviewer is... a bit more tactful than I am. Heidi's quickly backpedals. Her response?

"Well... I mean... ten times. I really had two different surgeries. I had one... 3 years ago... and I had one that I had several procedures done a few weeks ago."

Who's hoping she ends up looking like this? I know, I know. I'm mean. Whatever, Heidi, you asked for all this attention.

And all this attention, just in time for the release of her album, ironically titled Superficial. Is that a coincidence? No, she insists... it's "God's timing." Sure, if God's name is "Spencer Pratt," and HEAVEN HELP US IF IT IS.

But is Heidi's voice digitally enhanced, much in the way that her body is surgically enhanced?

No, of course not. She can hit a note acapella, no problem!

But, not right now... she just underwent multiple procedures and her jaw is still very delicate. Then maybe you should shut your yap and stop doing interviews. I'm just saying.

Mean spirited? Soulless? Yeah, maybe. That's just my M.O. today, maybe I need 10 plastic surgery procedures to my soul.

Your thoughts on Heidi's new look?

While making fun of others, it's time to make fun of myself with another diary entry from 1995.

Jan 7, 95

Guess what sassafrass! Im listening to Nine inch Nails. I know for sure because befor the song they announced it. It's the song called "Help Me." Its pretty cool, I'm so excited for the 16th. Well sassafrass that's all for now. I'll talk to you later today. O.K., O.K. good. Bye, sassafrass!!!!!!!!!

So Sassafrass I decided to write to you while I was in bed so I could tell you what happened today so here goes -> Well first I watched the mouse and the motorcycle then I invited Nadia over to play. I played my Smashing Pumpkins tape for her. I think she liked it. Then she asked me to do her hair I tried and tried it just turned out as a flop. The Nine inch Nails tickets didn't arrive today nor did the info about the silverblades. Oh by the way in case I didn't tell you (which I don't think I did) I'm joining the silverblades, maybe. Anyway that's all for today. So till next time bye Sassafrass!!!!

First off, I find it interesting that the one NIN song I mention is one with some of the most vulgar lyrics. I'm sure they bleeped it out on the radio, but I owned the CD as well. Come on, parents, didn't you see that "Parental Advisory" sticker on the front? Crazy.

"The Mouse and The Motorcycle" and "Runaway Ralph" double feature starring the one and only FRED SAVAGE was my favorite VHS at the time. I watched it literally EVERY DAY after school for a while. Apparently I was not only into hard core metal, but also runaway claymation mice. Check out this clip: 

A-Friggen-Dorable. Just one more clip.

Actually, I'd really like to watch this again now. It looks pretty cute. I'd probably watch it every day. My favorite part? "BUT! BUT! How do I get my motorcycle out!?"

Oh by the way. I don't know if I told you, I don't think I did. I'm joining the silverblades. I never did, and I think this is the first and last time I make mention of it. The Silver Blades was a SUPER ELITE club figure skating team. I had dreams of becoming the next Kristy Yamaguchi. I wish I was exaggerating. I had tons of crayon drawings of myself as Ms. Yamaguchi herself. I think I even drew myself as being Asian, because I wanted so badly to emulate her figure skating prowess. Hilarity.

I'm glad I could come up with something to write today, I've missed you guys!