Modern Mating Rituals Part II: The Bar Scene

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Read More

Modern Mating Rituals Part I: Introduction

I've been a lazy blogger, forgive me.

For a while I've been planning to share some of the more ridiculous scenarios I experienced while being single. I'm just now finally getting around to it, and there were enough weird stories that occurred during the 18 months between my long-term college boyfriend and R that I decided to make this, not one post, but a series of blog posts which I am going to call, "Modern Mating Rituals."

Part I: Introduction 

Before we get to the down and dirty, I have to preface this series with a brief introduction to my dating background and my philosophy on choosing a potential date. Basically, what motivates me to choose one male specimen over another.

Over the next several days I'll also explore the bar scene, online dating sites, and online networking sites and how they function as the modern day forum for hookups, much like the rainforest is to humping red-butted monkeys.

It's been about 3 years since I've actually had to deal with "the singles scene," and I can honestly say that I don't miss it. But before R came around, I was deeply entrenched in the scene for a few years. I had gotten over a rough break-up and I was kind of anxious to fill the void in companionship that my ex had left when we split, and at the age of 22 I hadn't been single for any significant period of time. I had a lot of single girl behavior to take part in, so I tried it all - meeting dudes in bars, subscribing to match.com for a few months, and I'm even ashamed to admit... virtual flirting via Facebook and Myspace.

I made the most of those 18 months. Through the above-mentioned methods I had a ton of first dates, about a handful of 2nd dates, and exactly one 3rd date.

Why so few 2nd and 3rd dates? Well, I operate in this manner: on first glance I know whether or not I am attracted to someone. If I don't find someone attractive right off the bat, I never will, regardless of how funny or cool they may be. No physical attraction? Sorry, you are in the friend zone forever.

My biggest problem in finding someone to date is this: I can be kind of picky. I just have this annoying habit of picking out the one or many miniscule things about a person that irritate me or turn me off and get hyper-focused on those traits. And let's face it, no one is perfect. Some people find that mole or butt-chin charming or quirky. Not me. I just find it annoying. And that freckle or gap in your teeth has the potential to turn me off forever. And furthermore, I refuse to lead someone on or waste my time or anyone else's. No attraction? No chemistry? No second date. Probably 85% of my first dates fell into this category.

Example: I once couldn't date a guy because his name was Larry. The name just didn't do it for me. I couldn't date another guy because his earlobes were too thick. And I felt skeevy about another guy because his hands were the exact same size as mine. Ick. No second date for you, Larry.

Okay, so let's say someone makes it to a second date. They have passed the preliminary tests and now their personality has to jive with mine. Doesn't always happen. And again, I take a no nonsense approach to dating, so no third date if we don't click by the second date.

One guy made it to the third date, there may have actually been a potential relationship there, but he subsequently moved out of town and I wasn't going to do that whole long distance thing. Until I met R. If you are really interested, you can read the whole story here.

So, in the next several posts, I will discuss the typical pick-ups and mating rituals you can observe in our modern day dating jungle. I'll also be sharing some of the more hilarious, weird, creepy experiences I had while I was single. And there were a LOT of them, since I seem to be a weirdo magnet.

Next Time: The Bar Scene

Commercials, I Hate You. Thank God for DVR.

Why, Gilbert Gottfried? Why? Why do you do this to me?



So apparently that's not his real voice? Then why continue subjecting us to that voice??




And in the non-Gilbert Gottfried world, this commercial actually GIVES me a headache. Clever marketing ploy, you.

Buckets of Fun

Remember that super creepy children's game, Mr. Bucket? Yeah, well here he is.

Yeah. Someone in the advertising department should have been fired for that one. 

Balls pop out of his mouth. Yup, they actually went there.

Listen, parents. Mr. Bucket is a scary sexual predator, coming in through your open windows to get your kids to put their balls in his top. Don't buy into it. And call Dateline's "To Catch A Predator."

So this is Mr. Bucket. I am going to kick him.... someday. In the meantime, I've made a list. And checked it twice. And now I'm checking things off.

Behold, my bucket list:

Simply T's Bucket List

1. Train for a marathon or half-marathon - I was a high school cross country runner and kept running recreationally through college and grad school, but I've never pushed myself for the long distance running. I've started training programs for a half marathon 4 times. And each time I have injured my knee to the point of being unable to run... or walk. Last summer it was a bone bruise. I don't think I'll check this one off just yet, because I still have residual pain in that knee. It may just have to wait until after I ruin my knees completely and ultimately need total knee replacements. Sigh. 

Status: Back burner. 

2. Learn to breakdance - I start a breakdance class tomorrow. It should be interesting... I'm kind of awkward. Soon, you can call me B-Girl T. That sounds way too much like BLT for my liking. 

Status: In progress.

3. Learn to skateboard - I decided that I am going to teach myself to skateboard this summer. I already know how to snowboard, and while it's not totally the same it's in the same family. Prepare for some hilarious Emergency Room stories when I start this one. 

Status: Pending.

4. Learn to beatbox - I don't know why this seems so cool to me. But it does. I wants. But I honestly have no idea how to go about beginning. Maybe I'll meet some beat boxers in my break dance class. 

Status: Undecided.

5. Learn to play the violin: I played the flute and piano as a child. I was pretty good, but it never struck my fancy. I've always admired violin players. This may be on tap this summer. 

Status: Pending.

6. Learn some awesome snowboarding tricks: On my way to this one. I can jump, but I have yet to try jibbing a rail or even any mid-air turns... I have, however, have headbutted a mountain. I truly thought I'd broken my nose. I didn't cry, I just looked up and said, "Is my nose bleeding?" This bodes well for this goal, as it will take a "no fear" "balls to the wall" attitude to accomplish. So...

Status: In progress.

7. Learn to speak spanish: Oh boy. Here's the thing. I'm Puerto Rican. My mother was born in Puerto Rico and her first language was Spanish. But she wanted my brother and I to be completely fluent in English and believed that speaking to us in both languages would ultimately confuse us and force us into Spanglish. I've never heard of such a silly thing. Kids pick up languages so easily, and now I think I'm going to have a really hard time with it. I sucked at French in high school. Why didn't I take Spanish? Because my mom wanted me to and I wanted to do the opposite of anything she wanted me to do. Kids. 

Status: Undecided.

Travel to Australia and Hawaii: God. I want to go there so bad. Not sure when I will, but one of those may end up being a honeymoon destination. The other? Definitely before I have kids. I figure that gives me about 9 or 10 years? Totally doable. 

Status: Undecided.

So there it is. My bucket list.

And now for you: Do you have a bucket list? What things are on your list and how do you plans to accomplish them?

TMI Thursday: Bathroom Wars - Men Vs. Women

Subtitled: Who's More Disgusting?

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!**

It's Thursday, and since I deprived you of a TMI Thursday last week, I knew I was due for one this week. I struggle with deciding on the best story to share with you all on a weekly basis. So, in order to provide variety, the spice of life, to my readers I got all introspective and shit and looked back at the topics of my past TMI Thursdays - pooping in public, peeing my pants, puking all over myself.... well I think I have my bases covered in the bodily functions genre, maybe I should give you a little change of pace this week?

Okay, so this week's TMI Thursday isn't really a far cry from my past posts: it's still about bodily functions, but for once it's not about my own.

Read More

Dude Where's My Car?

Ok, first and foremost: It was 73 degrees today in the Chi. Fuck Yeah! Bring it on, Spring!

So, the weirdest thing happened to me today.

I was on the phone with R this morning as I exited the house to go to work. We live on a one way street, where parking is allowed on both sides of the street.

As I walked down my front stairs, I see my car on the opposite side of the street, directly in front of our stairs. I used my key remote to unlock the doors, and I hear the click.

I open the driver's side door and the first thing I notice is a bag of M&M's.

Umm... I don't remember buying any candy... that's weird.


The next thing I noticed is that the car interior was very clean. Which is really, really weird because I spend all day driving for work, so the interior of my car resembles the inside of a home on the show "Hoarders."

The final observation prior to my *aha* moment (picture a fat, arthritic hamster running in a wheel... r e a l l y s l o w l y) was that the interior of this car was beige cloth. I have a gray leather interior... so I was really thrown for a loop.

Wait. This isn't my car.

Dude, where's my car???

I knew it had to be nearby because I heard it unlock when I used my remote. So, I turned around and there was my car on the other side of the street, just one car-length up.

What are the odds have been that a car identical to mine (except the interior and cleanliness factor) would be parked so close to my own AND have left their car doors unlocked?

Well, anyway, I totally freaked out, slammed the door, and ran away because I was afraid the owner might see me and think I was stealing their car.

Short anecdote today, not enough time for one of my War & Peace length entries since I had photography class until 9:30. I have more time tomorrow and I'm mentally choosing between a few of my stories for TMI Thursday. Keep an eye out for that!

Late add:

I'm a bandwagon, tweeting, blogging, whore. I started a twitter account for my blog. Follow me, and I'll give you a cookie! Well, maybe not, but I'll return the favor and follow you. Simply T (allearsonme) on Twitter

Goodbye, my pretties!

The Helmet Chronicles

It's Monday. Again.

If you are anything like me, Garfield, Dilbert and the guy from Office Space... you may have a case of the Mondays. And we hate Mondays. I'd rather have a raging case of the herp than my weekly case of the Mondays, but yet here we are. Again. Le Sigh.

So, kids, being that we are fighting off a case of the Mondays, and laughter is the best medicine, I am giving you the rare (yeah, right) opportunity to laugh at me. It's okay, I'm laughing too, so it's really more like laughing with me.

I present to you what I am calling "The Helmet Chronicles," or more appropriately "Me vs. The World: Why I Need a Helmet to Get Through the Day."

- I have a tin of cuticle cream and a tin of lip balm in my purse. Recently, I have mistakenly put cuticle cream on my lips. Twice.

- Sometimes I get jumpy. Around Christmas, I was in Walgreens perusing the Christmas cards when a man came up behind me and started petting my hair! I got startled, ducked, then turned on him ready to give him my best right jab for thinking my pretty, shiny hair is his own personal petting zoo. And then I realized it was R. Oops.

- Another time, R was sitting on the couch. I was laying on the couch with my feet near him, looking directly at him. I watched as he touched my foot. I was so startled, I screamed.

- Occasionally, R walks into a room and says something to me. I usually scream. Is it my fault that my boyfriend is a ninja?

- Last Friday, I woke up in a rush. I had a 7:30 appointment downtown, and failed to hear my alarm since I'd stuffed it under a pillow. I woke up at 7:02. In my sleep induced haze, I tried to put nasal spray in my eyes in place of visine. Then I tried to put the orange juice away in the cups cabinet.

- I joined the website ideeli.com to scope out some sweet sales. While putting things in my cart, I failed to pay attention to the quantity and mistakenly bought 4 pairs of jeans. Anyone care to buy a pair of bootcut Antik Denim jeans, size 29, for $50? I have 3 extra pairs...

- Multiple times I've gone an entire day not realizing that my underwear was on inside out.

- Think that's bad? On more than one occasion, I've mistakenly worn my workout pants backwards for an entire day.

- While in Keystone, I brought an ACTUAL helmet. Granted, it was for Snowboarding, in case I wanted to try some jumps - I didn't end up wearing it except for in our rented condo.... and guess what? I wore it backwards. Picture below:

The WRONG Way to Wear A Helmet

The Right Way to Wear Your Helmet

Photos edited using pzap.com

- This past Saturday, I caught an episode of "Shear Genius" on Bravo. A few of the stylists created looks for their models using pin curls. I had a stroke of "Shear Genius" myself and decided to try pincurls in my own hair. My hair has a natural wave to it, but I typically flat iron it straight straight straight. See below:

My hair as per usual. I'm pretty. Pretty angry.

What I envisioned was something like this: 

  

What resulted was this:

Hot. Is this a Frizz-Ease Ad or what?

Go ahead and laugh. I did. And then I pulled it back, put on a headband and got ready for work.

Please be sure to tip your servers. I'll be here all week.

Ps - This is the closest you will get to seeing what I really look like, without actually meeting me in person and signing a contract in blood not to tell my employers what I do in my spare time. Enjoy!

Viral Thursday: In Place of this Week's TMI Thursday

Nothing would make me happier than to give you another tale of humiliation so that you can laugh at my expense for LiLu's TMI Thursday this week. However, I have promised myself I'd get some work stuff done and that I'd finish up the post I started last week. So, in the interest of time I decided that I'd be posting some funny videos for your entertainment.


I'm calling this Viral Thursday. I know it lacks the alliterative quality of "TMI Thursday" but another one of my embarrassing bodily function stories should be back by next week! 


Enjoy!


How to say "12 Months" in Estonia





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Airplane





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Hospital





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Romantic Dinner





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Concert





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Convenience Store





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Dog Park





Ameriquest - Don't Judge Too Quickly - Parking Meter





Axe - Clean Your Balls





Cat Vs. Robot





Jersey Shore's Snooki Knockout Reenacted By Puppies





Rollerblader "Gives Way"





Matt Mullholland's Penis Chorale





Worst. Pizza. Commercial. Ever.

Dear Readers...

Hey there, readers...

It's been a while. No no, it's not you, it's me. I've been... busy. I swear I'm not avoiding you, I just haven't been answering your calls because my phone is dead... yeah. I've been really focusing on my career lately. I just needed some space.

Oh, you've been reading other blogs? Well I'm glad for you. I hope those other blogs are making you happy. You seem well, readers. You seem... entertained. Jealous? Me? No, no. I'm not jealous. We need to have our own separate lives, readers, I totally agree.

Alright, I give. I can't keep up the facade. I miss you readers. I miss you like whoa. It's been almost a week since my last post - I got overly ambitious with a post I started on Saturday and it's been taking me FOR-EV-ER. FOR. EV. ER.

Forever.

But for realzies, I'd really love to get this post published because I happen to find it amusing, although a tiny part of me is fearful that I will post it and no one will think it's funny except for me and R - because he has to think it's funny or he has to sleep in the bathtub... It's just consumed what free time I've had between work, photography, and being deathly ill with SARS. Swine Flu. Malaria. Okay, a cold. Shutup.  

I debated not saying anything about it, because now it's all hyped up and people will be expecting perfection, but I couldn't let you guys think I'd just abandoned you. I just can't quit you, readers.